Learning to Live
by Eternal-Tearz
Summary: Set after the ending of the game, Squall must understand his love for Rinoa and accept his own identity. Will Squall ever be able to live with himself? Or will his obsession with the past cause him to turn away from his only love and true friends? ON HIATUS
1. The Call

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, locations, etc. of Final Fantasy VIII; they belong only to their rightful owner, and it is not me.

Rinoa leaned her head against Squall's chest, listening intently to his heartbeat. It was the night of celebration, the celebration of Ultimecia's defeat. Her lips were still tingling from their first kiss as she tried to hide the redness of her cheeks.

"_I made a wish on a shooting star,"_ she thought silently, _"I want to be with Squall forever."_

Squall gazed down at the beauty wrapped in his arms and felt a sense of pleasure from the simple action of holding her. He had never felt such a degree of intimacy. Maybe he had been close to her, like when she was sitting in his lap aboard the Ragnarok and also when he had rescued her from the Sorceress Memorial. But it wasn't the same. It was now, that he was allowing her to enter his heart a little. His grip on her slightly tightened when he felt a wave of hesitation, which he attempted to conceal.

Noticing the sudden change in his breathing, she lifted her head to stare at him, "What's on your mind?" she whispered.

"It's nothing," he replied, as if drawing back into his own world again.

Rinoa knew not to press the issue. Perhaps he was opening himself a lot more often to her. But he was still Squall. That was really the reason why she liked him so much, because he was _Squall_, and she didn't require him to change drastically in order to be fond of him. She laid her head on him again and smiled.

"…What's so funny?" he immediately asked.

"Ooo," cooed a chirpy voice, "You two look so cute together!"

Selphie skipped happily onto the balcony, wearing Irvine's hat, "So sorry to interrupt, Commander Leonheart," she spoke in a mock official tone, "But you have a phone call. Cid didn't tell me who it was but he just told me to tell you to answer it in his office."

_Rinoa._ Squall thought instantly, glancing at her briefly, noticing the fleeting disappointment on her face at being stripped away from her knight. Then she gave him that smile he had grown to admire and he excused himself.

"So, Miss Heartilly," Selphie grinned, "how does it feel to be the Commander's girlfriend?"

The young sorceress smiled sheepishly, trailing her right foot from side to side, "I don't know. He hasn't asked me yet. But if I were, I'd feel pretty good."

"Don't worry! He probably won't say it to you right now, but you can tell what he feels inside. After all, it's Squall! Anyway, I'll keep you company until he comes back from his phone call."

* * *

"Hello, Squall Leonheart, speaking," he spoke in his formal voice, as he was taught to do. 

A familiar voice answered the commander, "Uh, yeah. Hey there, Squall. Sorry if I'm interrupting anything."

_Laguna?_ "Is there a problem?"

"Yes. I mean, no. Well, I kind of need to see you some time tomorrow, if possible. I have some things to clear up with you. As I mentioned before, there are things that you need to know. But I'll understand if you don't want to hear it."

Squall shifted the phone to his other ear and adjusted his posture, "Then I will be at Esthar tomorrow."

Laguna then interjected, perhaps a little too loudly, "Oh WAIT! I mean, wait. As president of Esthar, I would like to request you to be at Winhill at 1100 hours."

Tired and confused, he ran his gloved fingers through his brown hair, "Fine. We will meet then."

The president began to chuckle, "Lighten up, Squall. This isn't a mission. I will see you then."

"…Goodbye," and he hung up.

* * *

Squall woke up early next morning to the sound of footsteps in his room. He pretended to be asleep. They came closer and his ears immediately recognised who those feet belonged to. Waiting a little longer, he knew the person was now peering down at him, from directly above. He inhaled and confirmed who the scent belonged to. 

He groaned and rolled to his side, "Rinoa, don't sneak up on me."

She gasped and jumped, "Geez, Squall! You scared the hell out of me. I thought you were asleep."

"I was until you came in," he opened his blue eyes, rubbing them tiredly with the back of his hand.

Rinoa giggled and sat down on the bed, the only available seating in the room, "That's rather devious of you, pretending to be asleep. What would have happened if I was so frightened that I accidentally used my sorceress magic on you?"

"…Whatever," he replied, "You wouldn't."

The conversation became silent, but it wasn't uncomfortable; only pleasant. Squall reached upwards and gently fiddled with the Griever ring on her necklace. In his opinion, he wished that he could have given it to her in person had he known that Zell was going to offer it to her. Perhaps it would have meant something more special. Then again, he couldn't imagine himself presenting it to her. He would have most likely stammered a few words and dropped the ring into her palm, and run away.

She smiled at his gesture and stared down into his eyes. There was a gleam in them, as they focused on the piece of jewellery, as if his mind was in deep thought about something, "Do you have to go somewhere today, Squall?"

"Laguna asked me to see him at Winhill in about two hours. I don't know any details. He was acting strange. He usually is anyway."

"Well, I'll be waiting for you. I was going to attend one of Quistis' classes today, not as a student, of course. I just wanted to see what Garden life was like for the learners. Take care." Timidly, she planted a soft kiss on his forehead and stared at him one last time before leaving the room.

He gave a small smile when she left. Rinoa was always kind to him, and luckily not as clingy as she used to be. She was always patient with him somehow, even when he didn't feel like talking at all.

_I really like you, Rinoa._

* * *

The Garden, piloted by Nida, was journeying towards Winhill by request of the commander. Squall had insisted on taking the Ragnarok however Selphie had already left early in the morning with Irvine with the ship to an unnamed destination, so that left him with Balamb Garden as the only means of transport. 

After the craft had landed somewhere near the town of Winhill, Squall exited and made his way to the entrance. He was somewhat curious as to what Laguna had wanted. It was not going to be a mission, he had told him. What could possess the president of the most advanced city in the world to ask the commander of an academy of mercenaries to meet him in a quiet little town?

He breathed in the aroma of the country, it was refreshing. It was a welcome change from the air-conditioned school-like scent of Garden.

Suddenly, he recalled that Laguna had not told him where to meet. He rubbed the back of his neck in thought. After asking the old lady at the flower shop, who had told him that he was at his old house, the young man set out to the desolate house and knocked on its door. Something compelled him to knock, if the situation had been different, he would have just entered… like he had been all this time.

The door opened and Laguna appeared, dressed in his usual light blue shirt and brown trousers, hair carelessly tied back. He seemed to force himself to smile and nodded, allowing his visitor to enter.

"I'm sorry it has been such short notice to have you here," he began, "however I feel it my duty to be the one to tell you, rather than let it be someone else."

…_He sounds serious, odd._

"This sounds serious," said Squall.

The older man rubbed the back of his neck and chuckled, "I suppose it is. But I guess it isn't anything life-threatening."

"So what do you have to tell me?"

"Come with me, there is something that I must show you."

* * *

_What could Laguna be wanting to show him? Find out in the next chapter of Learning to Live: 'Truth unwanted.'_


	2. Truth Unwanted

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, locations, etc. of Final Fantasy VIII; they belong only to their rightful owner, and it is not me.

Squall followed the man, not knowing where he was to lead him. A trap perhaps? He was always on high alert anyway because of his occupation as commanding officer of Balamb Garden. _Not a mission_, he had to remind himself repeatedly.

_Not a mission… then what the hell is it!_

Frustrated, he stopped walking and stood still, "Laguna," he glared, waiting until the other turned around, "Would you like to tell me what is going on?"

"Squall," he sighed, "We're nearly there. Just wait a few minutes and you will find out."

They walked on to the edge of town and reached vast open fields. Laguna gestured for him to follow him up one particular hill. The grass was lush, making soft crunching sounds beneath their feet and a breeze blew gently. When they were at the top, they also had reached a rectangular piece of stone placed on the ground, words written on it.

…_A grave._

Laguna kneeled and ran his fingers over the rock, smoothing away any stray pieces grass and dirt, "I wanted to show you this."

He peered at it from above, "This is where Raine is buried? The Raine you knew."

"That's correct, Squall," he began to chuckle, "You are probably wondering what this has to do with you. But believe me," he stood and dusted his pants, "you are involved in this much more than you think."

The teenager placed a hand on his hip and shifted his weight to one leg, "Can you stop sounding so vague? I haven't come here to listen to your riddles. I would like some answers right now."

Instantly he asked a question, "Do you know anything about your parents?"

_Parents… I never gave any thought about them. They are probably dead or something, or maybe they abandoned me when I was just a child. I don't really have any idea. I didn't want to think about them. When I start thinking, I tend to…_

"…No," he answered bluntly.

Laguna hesitated at the sound of his cold tone, "I know a lot about your parents, Squall."

_I don't want to know. They left me behind… alone. I…_

"I hate them, they didn't want me."

"That's not true," the older man shouted, "They loved you and it wasn't their fault they couldn't spend your childhood watching you grow up. You can't hate them."

Squall turned away in distress and replied harshly, "You don't know how it feels – being separated from your family. The closest family I ever got were my orphanage friends and then Rinoa," his fists clenched tightly, "…But who could understand what it felt to wake up everyday with the feeling of loneliness. I hate them. I don't want anything to do with them."

Suddenly Laguna stormed towards the young boy and grabbed him by the collar, tossing him backwards so that they could look at each other, "Don't act like you're the only who suffered," he told him angrily, "Raine called for me when she had you. But I never reached her in time. I know exactly how you feel. I lost my own family. But I don't hate her for departing like she did, I still love her."

The words became clearer in Squall's mind after they had been spoken, "Raine… had me?"

_Ellone had said to me before, "Raine wanted to show Laguna her new born baby... Raine kept calling out for Laguna. So no matter what, I wanted Laguna to stay in the village..."_

_Was that baby me…?_

_Kiros and Ward, they mentioned something about me having my mother's eyes. How could I forget?_

"Raine married you, didn't she?" he finally found his voice.

There was a fear in Laguna's eyes, but he nodded slowly, "That's right, Squall. I'm your father."

He felt his insides go numb all over. Slowly he shook his head side to side and he clenched his fists again. Dizziness commenced and he buried his head into his hands.

_This is all so wrong…_

Squall glared one last time at his 'father'. Then he fled from the scene, from Winhill, and finally reached the comfort of Garden, where he would never have to face that man again.

* * *

It was early afternoon and news had already sprung around Garden of the usually-dormant commander running through the corridors in anguish, ignoring people he collided with and even tripping up a flight of stairs. Eventually he had shut himself in his dormitory and refused to come out for any reason. 

Zell Dincht was doing his own running through the academy, towards the second-floor classroom where Quistis' class was currently at. He entered abruptly, startling the students as well as the Instructor. Breathlessly, he glanced around the room and locked onto his target like a hungry chimera. Without so much of a word, Rinoa Heartilly was ruthlessly dragged out of the room by the fighter. Quistis gazed on wondering what was happening but continued her class, pretending it was a regular occurrence.

"Zell!" Rinoa hissed, so as not to disrupt the class, "What is wrong with you?"

"Your… boyfriend," he said through his heavy breathing, "He isn't looking… so good."

She was bewildered. There was an image of Squall's face being horribly mutilated in some kind of tragic accident, "…What?"

"It's Squall," he seemed to regain some composure, "He's back. But he looked really… upset about something. He's locked himself in his room and I can't even persuade him to open the door. Go to him… Rinoa."

She had already disappeared before he mentioned the last sentence.

* * *

"Squall!" she yelled, banging frantically at his door when opening it was unsuccessful, "Squall, it's Rinoa. Can I come in, please?" 

There was no reply.

"I'm worried, Squall," she continued, "Zell came to get me and told me what happened. Open the door, please."

Still, no answer was given. But she knew that he was inside.

"Squall, I…" and the door suddenly flew open and a rather dishevelled Squall appeared.

With an almost brutal force, he forced her inside and locked the door again. She nearly fell over but maintained her balance, yet still shocked at his sudden forwardness. Never before had he grabbed and pulled her that painfully. Then he grabbed her again and threw her against the nearest wall, pinning her against it with his own body.

"_Is he angry?"_ thought Rinoa, clearly stunned at this unexpected change in his manner. She tried to push him away, uncertain if his intentions were whole-hearted or had been conjured up in a furious frenzy. However he shoved his lips against hers in desperation and wrapped his arms possessively around her. A forced kiss, filled with all of his negativity, wanting to release the pain welling up inside of him.

She pried her lips away from his, "Squall, please stop," she whispered. If he were to continue then surely she would start screaming.

He obeyed, his brash persona disappearing quickly, leaving behind a face filled with sadness. At once, he released her and sat on his bed, hiseyes watchingthe floor, "I'm sorry," he muttered.

Cautiously she approached and sat beside him. She gasped and took his hands into her, "Squall, your hands are bleeding! Wait here, I'll get some bandages."

Hastily she entered his bathroom and searched the cupboard for a first-aid kit. With expert care, she cleaned his wounds and wrapped his wrists with the bandage. As she worked on his injuries, he couldn't help but stare at her. The way her hair moved as she tended to his hands and wrists, the concentration in her eyes and definitely the way she would bite her lip when in deep thought.

He planted a soft kiss on her forehead and surprise dawned on her face, which then turned into happiness.

"Can you tell me what happened, Squall?"

At once, his eyes darkened and the miserable feelings came back to him. He felt the horrible sensation in his chest area. Rinoa gave him a small smile and wrapped her arms around him, cradling him like she would to a child, hoping that he wouldn't push her away.

And he didn't.

* * *

_A moment of weakness for Squall. Will he tell Rinoa what happened? And will he face what he has feared all these years or run away, like he did to Laguna. Find out in the next chapter of Learning to Live: 'Denial, confusion, sadness.'_


	3. Denial, Confusion, Sadness

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, locations, etc. of Final Fantasy VIII; they belong only to their rightful owner, and it is not me. 

"…It was Laguna," he finally said, after a long silence. He was still in Rinoa's embrace, his head resting in the crook of her neck. It comforted him somehow, gave him that little more courage that he needed to keep himself together.

She didn't say anything in return, knowing she was only here to listen. Gently she ran her fingers through his messy hair and looked worryingly down at him.

"He said that he is my father," the words were painful as he spat them out.

Rinoa's eyes widened but still she forced herself not to gasp. Instead she tightened her hold on him. That was when she felt something moist slide down the smoothness of her neck. She gazed at him carefully. No, he wasn't crying, but there were some tears in his eyes. She tried to place herself in his position. He had been alone for many years, without so much of a family. Yet without warning, he was not alone anymore and he had a family. Many wouldn't find that to be a bad thing. However, this was Squall. He didn't like drastic change to his personal life. That was why he always kept to himself, so he wouldn't be hurt later on.

Suddenly, Squall stood and released himself from her arms, feeling a sudden change of heart within him, "Rinoa," he murmured, "I want to be alone for a while."

She also rose onto her feet and stared at him, "But, you're hurting. I want to…"

"Please go," he shook his head and looked away, "I'd rather you not see me like this."

Of course, she understood why he would want to be alone. He was angry about it. But she couldn't help but feel a little bit hurt. She mentally hoped that he would not withdraw back into his own little world and refuse to come out again. After trying so hard to get him to open up, it would be a waste if he threw that all away.

She nodded and gave one last glance at him before she left his room. There were also a few tears in her eyes.

* * *

Quistis Trepe was pacing towards the dormitories when Rinoa came out of Squall's room. She stopped and waited until the younger woman reached her, noticing the rather sad expression on her face, "Zell told me about it when my class finished. Is he all right?" 

She didn't know whether to say yes or no, "He just said he wants to be alone."

"I see," she shot a look at his door, "Come, walk with me. And you can tell both Zell and me what happened."

"Where are Selphie and Irvine?"

The Instructor paused in thought, "Apparently they took the Ragnarok to visit Trabia Garden. Those two seem to be conspiring something over there. From what I hear, they're trying to re-establish classes there," she adjusted her glasses, "But I think there is more to it."

Rinoa noticed that they were heading towards the library. _"Oh yeah,"_ she said silently, _"Zell must be there because of that girl in the library._"

They entered and sure enough, he was there speaking to the girl. Quistis sneaked quietly beside Zell and elbowed him. He stopped and turned around, realising that his friends were now here. So he excused himself with a smile and joined the two women in the place behind the bookshelves.

"How's Squall," immediately he asked.

"I'm not sure. I was able to see him, but then he told me he wanted to be alone, so I left," she explained, "He seems really angry."

Quistis glanced at the sorceress, "So what happened?" she inquired.

"It turns out that Laguna is his father…" she began.

"Say what!" Zell shouted, earning a few glares from nearby students who were studying for their exams.

"Oh, I see," said Quistis, a reaction contrasting to Zell's, "I can see why that upsets him."

Rinoa sighed and sat down on the nearest chair, "What should we do?"

"I think he will be okay," the blonde woman thought loudly, placing her fingers on her chin, "You could speak to him more, Rinoa. Try to get him to tell you how he feels and stuff like that. Knowing him, if he keeps it inside…"

The PA system chose that moment to make an announcement, **"Commander Leonheart, report to the bridge this minute. Repeat. Commander Leonheart, report to the bridge this minute."**

"Uh oh," Zell's pessimistic voice sounded.

Quistis nodded, "Let's go see what is happening."

* * *

When they reached the third floor, Squall had already come down from the bridge. He didn't look like his happy self. Actually, his happy self contained his emotionless appearance but this time, there was a mixture of sorrow and resentment across his face. 

"They gave me an office," he said, before they could even ask, "It's next to Cid's office. That is all."

He tried to walk towards the elevator but was stopped by his three comrades. By their actions, he figured that Rinoa had already told them what had happened.

"…What?" he spoke in a slightly irritated tone.

Quistis crossed her arms, "We want to help you, Squall."

_Help? How could you possibly help me…?_

"I don't need your help. I won't ever see that man again. He means nothing to me."

"Squall," Rinoa moved towards him and held onto his arm, "We are here for you. We want to listen to all the things you want to say."

_Don't pity me. I don't need sympathy. I will be fine. Stop acting like I have some kind of mental disease. Stop it._

In a surprising move, he shoved her away forcefully. Zell caught her just in time before she hit the ground. "What the hell has gotten into you, man?" he yelled at the commander, "I know you're angry, but this is Rinoa. She is only trying to help. She cares, we all do."

Rinoa stood up, clearly hurt with being pushed away so roughly, "Forget it," she finally muttered, "I'm going," she stared harshly at Squall before taking the elevator down by herself.

His remaining two friends watched as his face fell to one of regret. Quistis approached him warily, "She will be okay. If you talk to her and apologise, I'm sure she will forgive you. I know you feel very distressed with your own problems, but don't forget that you should not bring harm to her. She adores you, you already know that. And we all look up to you, so talk to any of us whenever you feel like it," she turned to leave and dragged Zell along with her.

Squall watched as they descended. _I'm sorry, Rinoa. I shouldn't take out my frustrations on you._

* * *

Rinoa knew that acting like a spoilt brat probably wasn't the best way to get to Squall's emotions. But truly, this time he had gone too far. Never had he been so physically harsh with her. She sat on her bed and stared into space. Tiredly she drew her knees towards her body and rested her head on them. The sun was starting to set, casting warm colours into the room. 

She heard footsteps and then an uncertain knock on her door. By the sound of it, she predicted the person to be Squall. Perhaps she was joyed that he was at her door, but still she was upset about what had happened before.

Slowly she opened the door and there was Squall, with an unreadable expression on his face. She hesitated before letting him in. Even he was hesitating, as he walked and sat on her bed.

The door was closed and locked. Then she joined him.

Silence.

"I'm sorry," she apologised, after not being able to stand the quietness, "I know that you're having a difficult time. I should be more considerate…"

He shook his head, "No. I hurt you. I should be sorry."

"Mmm," she trailed off into silence again.

It was very discomforting for Squall to be in such silence. He wanted to feel her close by again and be assured that she wasn't having second thoughts about her feelings for him. He really liked her, she had to know that.

Timidly, he placed his hand over hers, hoping that she wasn't going to scream. She didn't. The feel of her skin beneath his hand was warm and inviting. He could feel it since he wasn't wearing gloves. He could get used to this feeling, he thought.

"What am I to you, Squall?" she asked softly.

_She's Rinoa. What else could she be?_

"…You're Rinoa."

"But who do you see me as?" she continued to press on, "A comrade, a best friend, a…" the list went on but he tuned out.

_Oh, she's trying to give me a hint. Come to think of it, she probably likes those kinds of things. She probably already knows how I feel, but I guess she wants a title._

Squall held her hand tighter, "Then will you be my girlfriend, Rinoa?"

She blushed then and nodded. Then she laughed inwardly about one time when Selphie had told her that Squall should propose to her. Rinoa had shaken her head at the idea, saying, "I'm only seventeen, Selphie. I'm not that desperate to be his wife. I'm barely even his girlfriend."

"_Well,"_ she smiled, _"One step closer."_

* * *

_Squall and Rinoa have made up and become an official couple. Smooth sailing for them? Where on earth is Selphie and Irvine? Laguna tries to get in contact with Squall, as a father should. But does Squall really want to call him, "Dad"? Just the thought of it sends him into a series of shivers. Find out in the next chapter of Learning to Live: "Days Spent Wisely."_


	4. Days Spent Wisely

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, locations, etc. of Final Fantasy VIII; they belong only to their rightful owner, and it is not me.

I would also like to take this opportunity to wish everyone a happy and safe new year. Thank you to anyone who has taken their time to read my piece, and especially thanks to those who posted reviews. And also apologies for the lateness of this chapter. I have no credible excuse except for my own personal laziness (insert innocent smile)

* * *

"Please tell me again," said Martine, "Where are you taking me? And why are you taking me there?" 

Irvine turned to the man sitting in the chair, "Sir, we are taking you to Trabia Garden. We need your knowledge because you were once the master of a Garden."

"That was in the past, Kinneas," Martine stared fiercely at him, "I've retired and I would rather live the rest of my life in FH, in peace. I don't want to be involved in any military issues anymore. I was useless back then and I would rather not go through it again. Now, would you please return me to FH this instant?"

Selphie exclaimed happily from the control panel of the Ragnarok, "No can do, Mr Martine. You're coming with us!"

"Yeah!" Irvine chimed in agreement, "And when Selphie get this determined, you have absolutely no possible chance of escape."

"We're nearly there! Aargh, mountains!" Selphie cried and the Ragnarok seemed to lose control for a second.

Once she had corrected the ship, she chuckled sheepishly, "Sorry, guess I got kind of… excited."

Martine sighed and slumped sadly in his seat, "Hyne, help me."

They finally landed (safely) and trekked towards Trabia Garden. Repairs were still being carried out ever since the bomb attack. The place wasn't so much like a warzone anymore though. The main foundation of the new Garden was slowly emerging from the rubble and it was bustling with many people, there was an outdoor class being held with a few students. The basketball court at the back had been repaired so that was where the classes were mainly being held.

Martine gazed upwards in awe at the towering structure, "Where did you find all the money to fund this project?"

Selphie smugly answered, "Sir Laguna, president of Esthar, is giving us the money to rebuild this place. You seem to like it, Mr Martine."

"You must be imagining it, Miss Selphie," he retorted, before continuing onwards, "I don't fancy this place at all."

She smiled at Irvine before they followed the former headmaster to explore the rest of the new Garden.

* * *

Squall ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. He had been stuck in his office for three hours trying to figure out how he was going to deal with the shortage of Instructors in the Garden. With the more flow of students entering the academy and a small flow of Instructors leaving, retiring, or whatever other reason there was, classes became large and chaotic. A few of the senior teachers were threatening to quit if more SeeDs and Instructors weren't provided. 

_I don't understand why I must force myself into thinking up a solution. Cid is the headmaster… I'm just the commander. He just hasn't been himself lately. All he does is throw the workload on me. What if… he wants me to become headmaster as well? Oh mercy… this is giving me a headache._

There was a knock at the door, "…Yes," said Squall in a monotonous voice.

A young man with blonde hair stepped inside. He wore his usual white coat and had his gunblade by his side. He smirked at the commander spoke sarcastically, "Squall, you look happy to see me."

"Seifer, I wasn't expecting to see your actual return to Garden," he replied coldly, "I thought you would have failed the entrance exam."

"Ouch…" he said with more sarcasm, "Lighten up, _commander_. I haven't come here to put up with your girly tantrums. You may not like me but that doesn't mean I'm the evil guy. After all, I've been given a second chance to be here and I will make something of myself. Like Quistis, she was reappointed as an Instructor…"

Squall waved his hand as if to say _whatever_, "It's because she is qualified to be. And maybe it's also due to the fact that when we were fighting against the evil sorceress, she wasn't fighting _alongside_ the sorceress."

"What a way to damage my ego," muttered the blonde, before speaking up again, "But hey, I was confused at the time. The whole prospect of being a knight was so… welcoming. And…"

"If you have something to say, please say it now," he interrupted, "I have a lot of work to do."

Seifer slammed his palm on the desk, "I am going to become a SeeD!"

"…I see."

"That's about it, really," he turned towards the door, "I just want to inform you. I am going to train extra hard. And the next time we _practise, _I am going to make that scar of yours into an 'X." And then he left, closing the door behind him.

…_He always wants to beat me. But at least he's thinking for himself now… I guess. Am I thinking for myself? Is it a good thing? Or a bad thing?_

* * *

"Squall, over here!" Rinoa called out to him, waving madly, as he entered the cafeteria. 

The rest of his comrades, minus Selphie and Irvine, were seated at a table. There was an empty seat next to Rinoa so he figured that he should sit there. After all, she was his girlfriend.

_Girlfriend… it sounds so immature but I guess that's what she wants to be._

"Are you all right?" asked the young sorceress, "You look really tired, Squall."

"...I'm fine," he answered, giving her the smallest hint of a smile that only she could tell was a smile, "I've just been having a hard time trying to figure out what to do with the shortages of SeeDs and Instructors. And also the constant threats of a few Instructors."

Quistis sighed, "I've tried to talk to them but they won't listen. I think the one leading them is Instructor Aki. You know how he has been in Garden longer than any of us. He's well-respected by everyone. That's why most of them are siding with him."

Zell eventually spoke up, placing one of his ankles on the opposite knee, "You know, if it's Instructors you need, I could always help out."

There was a long silence at the table, until all of them turned to Squall for a final decision.

He coughed, ever so subtle, "I don't really have much of a choice except to agree with Zell. He has the qualities to become one because he is a SeeD after all and he has done exactly what we are bred to do – to defeat the sorceress. We do need more Instructors. I guess we'll just have to improvise for now. Zell, I am promoting you to Instructor. Quistis, I want you to deal with all the paperwork."

"Oh yeah!" Zell yelled and struck his fist into the air, nearly toppling over in his chair.

"If you need any help, at all. ANY help, I mean," Quistis tried to hide her anxiousness behind a smile, "Please feel free to ask Xu or me."

As Zell and Quistis chatted on; Zell pretending his pride had been mortally wounded at being underestimated and Quistis grimacing, assuring that she was going to give all possible assistance, Rinoa turned to stare at her new boyfriend. There was a blank expression on his face and it wasn't a content one either. She would ask him later, she decided.

Squall stared off into space. _Even Zell can make his own decisions and lead his own life. Everyone else can… why can't I?_

* * *

Lunch had ended and he was back in his office, trying to rearrange classes. He had to decide between instantly accelerating all the gifted students into SeeDs, or making sure that everyone was treated equally in order to become SeeDs, which was more time-consuming. The Instructors had demanded that the commander take the fastest method to train new SeeDs but he knew it would be unfair to the other students who weren't selected. 

There was a light flashing on his new answering machine. It read the number '1' – one message. Someone must have called during lunch. He pressed the play button and listened:

"**Uh… hey Squall. It's your … I mean, it's Laguna. When we last talked, you sort of ran off before I could finish. I still have many things to say to you… if you want to hear them, I mean. I know you're… well… I know it is difficult now but you're my… son. I want to make amends… for all the times I wasn't there for you. Please, Squall. I'd like to talk to you more. Well… see you later." **_Click_.

Without much thought, Squall pressed the 'delete' button and pushed the thought of Laguna out of his mind. He felt angry again.

_Why can't he just leave me alone? Why did he have to admit all those things about the past? He should have just left it there. It wouldn't have bothered me if he never told me I was related to him by blood… his son. His son! Why me? Why not someone else? Why did it have to be me? I feel troubled enough… why did this have to happen? And why won't it go away no matter how hard I try to occupy myself with other things? Why…?_

_Everyone seems to be living a happier life ever since we defeated Ultimecia. Selphie and Irvine are off in their own little world doing who knows what, Quistis is an Instructor again and being a role model for young students, Zell has made a bold decision by himself and decided to become an Instructor, hell even Seifer's got his own ambitions, and Rinoa…_

_She's just so happy now. I don't want her to be unhappy because of me. Me… I don't feel any happier. Everyone's doing their own thing with their own little goal in mind. What about me? I'm not doing anything at all except being stuck here with no idea where to go, or what goal to achieve. It's not like back then, when we all had this one goal to defeat the sorceress. But now, defeating sorceresses is not my goal; that is the goal of the Gardens._

_I feel so lost…_

There was a gentle tapping at the door, "Squall?" it was Rinoa's voice.

The door was already unlocked however he made himself stand to answer it since it was her. He opened it and was met with a very cheery Rinoa. She grinned and seemed to 'bounce' into the room happily.

"Hey, I'm just dropping by," her face suddenly fell into one of shyness, "You know, checking out how you're doing."

_Because I'm your boyfriend and that's what boyfriends and girlfriends do, right?_

"…I'm tired," he told her, "I think I'll head to my room soon."

She noticed something was amiss about him and it was more obvious than during lunch. He was being his usual self, but it seemed more disturbed than usual. Well that was how she felt, but she wasn't too sure if she was right, "Did something happen, Squall?"

He paused and gazed at her warily, debating whether or not to tell her, "…Laguna called and left a message on my answering machine."

Immediately she understood what he meant without him saying furthermore. She moved closer to him and held his hands, tilting her head upwards to stare at him. "I'm here," was all she said.

His heart beat a little quicker at her proximity and for a moment, he forgot all his worries. She reached out for him as he did the same. They held each other tightly, her head against his chest and her arms wrapped securely around his back.

…_Is she all I have left to support me when I feel like I'm falling?_

He waited until her head lifted and she looked at him. Slowly, he leaned his head downwards and kissed her softly on the lips. It was a gentle and innocent kiss, but it held all the emotion he felt.

_Will she still be here tomorrow, next week or next year? Even when I have nothing to offer her…? Even when I have no ambitions or dreams… would she want to be here…?_

* * *

_Squall is feeling slightly incomplete. The Laguna issue isn't making it any better. And he feels like everyone is leaving him behind and maybe even thinks that Rinoa will too eventually. Will these insecurities become even worse? What will become of the heroic Squall? Find out in the next chapter of Learning to Live: "All I have Left."_


	5. All I have Left

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, locations, etc. of Final Fantasy VIII; they belong only to their rightful owner, and it is not me.

* * *

Rinoa leaned back into Squall's chest and smiled. After finishing off some more work, he had locked up his office and together they had walked backed to his dorm room. Along the way he had sort of tried to hold her hand, but after about five seconds of contact, he had let go. She had glanced at him and hid a smile, seeing his tough exterior but realising the child-like persona in him. Now they were sitting together on his bed and he was leaning against the wall so that Rinoa fit snugly between his legs. 

The young woman sensed unrest, a disturbance, in her boyfriend. There was definitely something bothering him and the problem seemed beyond the Laguna subject. Maybe there was something deeper which made him feel this way, she thought silently and wondered if she would be able to help if he told her what it was.

"Squall…?" she called to him gently, hoping he had not fallen asleep.

He placed a hand on her shoulder and held it there tightly, "Hmmm," he grunted. It was meant to sound like a question, but he was too tired to care.

"What's on your mind?" she played with his other hand, slightly irritated he still had his gloves on.

"…Nothing."

Rinoa placed his hand on her cheek in a sign of affection, "You can share it with me, you know," and she smiled, knowing that he could feel it even if he couldn't see it.

His other hand moved to play with her long hair, "I don't know. I guess I think of things…" he sounded very uncertain.

"Like what?" she continued to press the matter.

He paused, wondering what she was planning to do, "Things like you, I guess." _Maybe that is what she wants to hear?_

She sat up and turned around so that she was kneeling and facing him, "Then what do you think of when you think of me?"

"…Why are you interrogating me?"

With no credible answer, she pretended to frown, "Because I am your girlfriend."

_Girlfriend, again. I'm really not used to this._ "And that lets you become my interrogator?" he asked incredulously.

She hit his shoulder lightly, showing she was displeased with his question, "No, because I can ask you things so I can understand you better."

Suspiciously, he narrowed his eyes, "Is that why you became my girlfriend? Because I was misunderstood?"

"Squall!" she cried, clearly frustrated, and pressed her forehead against his chest as if to head-butt him, "Stop teasing me and answer the question," her voice now a low murmur, almost a threat.

_What's on my mind…? A lot of things – stuff got to do with you, my friends, Garden, Laguna… no not Laguna; I don't want to think about him. Now when I think of you, Rinoa… I feel scared. Scared that these moments are short-lived and that one day, I won't be able to feel you close to me; that maybe you will leave me behind. Maybe you won't like being with me anymore. What if I end up all alone again, and lose everything. How harder will it be for me…? I don't know… there are too many things to think about._

He still felt unsure of himself, of what to do or say. However he willed himself to wrap his arms firmly around her small frame, making sure that she wasn't going to escape. And praying that she wouldn't try to escape in the future, "I…" he tried to find the words, "I want you… to stay close to me."

She smiled and turned her head to the side, "Oh, that is the third time you've said that to me," she said dreamily.

"…What?" Obviously, he was in his own dreamy state as well.

"You forgot again?" she moaned in disappointment.

Immediately he attempted to find a way out of this situation, hoping she wasn't going to throw her sorceress attacks on him, "It was my GF, it makes me forget things when I junction…"

"You used that same excuse last time, as well!"

He remained silent, but interested, as she lifted her head and glared at him with murderous eyes. Then her expression softened and she giggled, "I can't be mad at you when you give me that look," she kissed his lips to comfort him.

When the kiss ended, she remained close to his face and stared directly into his eyes, "I will always stay close to you, Squall."

He knew that she meant it. Her eyes were full of determination so it couldn't have been a lie. He wondered if she understood what he was trying to say – that he didn't just want her to stay now… but he wanted her to stay for a lifetime. Yet, it was reassuring to know that she wanted to be here, even when he felt like he didn't have much to give her. He didn't feel so troubled anymore.

* * *

Squall woke up the next day to the sound of heavy banging on his door. He was alone because Rinoa had gone back to her own room last night. It was Garden regulations and there were no exceptions, even if he was commander and had saved the world from an ultimate apocalypse. Rules were rules, even for the leader. _Unless we were married_, he shoved that thought out of his head pretty quickly. 

The banging was continuous so he finally trudged over to the door and opened it, hoping not to look too annoyed. It didn't matter what he looked like, the person at the door would have reacted the same, regardless.

"Hi hi, Squall!" Selphie bounced in front of his door, "Good morning, we're back!"

He looked over her shoulder and saw an empty hallway, "And Irvine?"

"Oh, he's just dead tired," she answered cheerily, "We came back late last night, but we didn't want to wake everyone up, so yeah!"

"…I see," the commander figured that asking about her activities in the past few days would be more appropriate if the entire gang were there to hear it.

Selphie grinned, "We have so much to tell so I'm gonna invite you and the others to breakfast. I already woke everyone up, except Irvine. He can sleep through anything, that guy. Well, we will see you at the cafeteria in about half an hour. See you later!" and she skipped down the hallway towards Irvine's place, humming happily.

Squall yawned and wished that he could just go back to sleep. It was way too early for anything. _How does Selphie manage to stay so energetic every hour of the day, she hides her exhaustion well from us_. But he knew it was best to do what she wanted, since she would get dangerous when things did not go her way. _No, spoilt isn't the word… persistent is more like it._

He had a long shower, hoping that it would wake him up. It did, to an extent. Dressing in his usual attire, he fixed his hair to his usual style and he was pretty much ready in the time that Selphie had given him.

The walk to the cafeteria was quiet. Everyone was still asleep at this early hour. When he entered, he spotted his friends sitting in the usual spot. They didn't notice him yet so he paced over, his footsteps echoing on the tiles. Rinoa was first to lift her head and see him. She waved and smiled, making everyone turn his way.

"Mornin' commander," said Zell.

Squall grumbled and took a seat next to his girlfriend, "Morning," he greeted everyone, "Please don't address me as commander."

The sorceress whispered so he could only hear, "Good morning, Squall."

He glanced at her briefly, before placing his hand on hers for a moment. It was nice waking up and being able to see her first thing in the morning. The others grinned at each other secretly. As days went on, Squall was changing. He depended on people a lot more, though not entirely. Nonetheless he still depended on his comrades. He especially depended on Rinoa and that made everyone glad.

Breakfast was soon served and they all dug in. The meal was quiet at first, the clatter of cutlery and the munching of bread was all that could be heard. Finally Selphie turned to the commander and then eyed the rest of the group, "So, did you miss us?" she asked cheerfully, referring to Irvine and herself.

Slowly, he finished his mouthful before speaking, "It's been quiet," he answered.

"The place has been a cemetery since you've been away," Quistis spoke up, "At least students haven't had to put up with your morning ritual of shouting 'Good morning!' in their faces every day."

"I also noticed that the female cadets came out while you were gone," Zell flashed a smile in Irvine's direction, "They weren't afraid to walk Garden unescorted when they realised you were gone."

The cowboy pretended to be mortified, "Oh, it pains me to hear that. I have done nothing but merely offer those women flowers…"

"And free passes to your room," Selphie finished for him, whacking the brim of his hat, "You were stalking them! And don't ask how I found out about that!"

He sighed happily, "How you are so intelligent, my dear. Are you jealous? If you are, I find you far more desirable than anything else in this world…" He was interrupted when she hit his hat again.

"So where have you been, Selphie?" Rinoa questioned with a teasing smile, "Were you two planning to run away from us and get up to something?"

The usually energetic female tried to hide her blush. She turned to her boyfriend and realised that he was winking suggestively at everyone. Angered and flustered, she groaned, "Rin please, we don't need another Irvine," and she giggled nervously.

Rinoa replied innocently, "Why, Selphie! What are you thinking? I was just asking what you two have been up to."

During the laughter, Squall turned towards his girlfriend and wondered what she had on her mind. He wondered if she was changing as well; maturing perhaps. She wasn't really the kind of person to crack jokes with underlying innuendoes. _It's not a bad thing… it would be good for… STOP!_ The brakes in his brain screeched to a halt. _No, she's not an object…… … hell, am I turning into Irvine? Damn him and his vulgarities._

When the hilarity subsided, Selphie turned serious again, "Irvine and I used the Ragnarok to go to Trabia Garden. Along the way, we picked up Martine, the former garden master, if you guys remember?"

Everyone nodded before she went on, "Actually we kind of forced him on. He objected to what we were doing because he was retired and he didn't want to bring up his past and stuff like that. But when we got there and he saw the place slowly coming into shape, he ended up really liking it. So it's good that we've got an expert to assist us now. Trabia's being rebuilt, piece by piece. I really want the place to be as busy as it was before… before the disaster. And there would be a garden of flowers to honour the dead," there were some tears in her eyes.

Quistis held onto her hand, "That's really great, Selphie. I'm sure they would appreciate what you have done."

The girl chuckled through her tears, "Thanks."

"Hey," Zell began, "if you're rebuilding Trabia, where are you getting all the money to do it?"

Instantly her face brightened, "Oh, yeah! I forgot to mention. Sir Laguna was sooo kind to lend us the funds to get everything fixed. He's amazing! And so nice too…"

_Laguna…_

She stopped when she discovered the looks on her companions' faces. Everybody, excluding Irvine and Squall, had the same expression on their face – eyes and mouth wide open and faces pale with fear. Irvine bore a look of curiosity, glancing at each person, wondering what was wrong. And Squall. His eyes were narrowed into furious slits, his eyebrows drawn lower then usual, his teeth were clenched and he was breathing at rapid intervals; the exact epitome of rage he became.

At the mere mention of his supposed father's name, he felt his inside burn with utter hatred. He wasn't angry at the one who mentioned the name. In fact, he couldn't comprehend why he was so worked up about it all. However he felt his face turn red with fury and his fists clenched. He stood up, his chair skidding across the floor and nearly toppling over.

"…Excuse me," he murmured, his voice deep and unlike anything that he or the others had ever heard.

He fought the urge to scream and wake up all the people in the academy. He fought the urge to hurl his fist at the nearest wall. He fought the urge to take out his gunblade and massacre those who were in his way as he stormed out of the cafeteria back to the confines of his room; the only place he could think of.

Selphie appeared absolutely crestfallen at what had happened, "I…" she tried to understand what was going on.

After a second's deliberation, Rinoa stood, "It's okay Selphie, you didn't do anything wrong. I'll go speak with him," she told her before leaving as well.

"Did something happen while we were gone?" Irvine's face was now serious and worried.

Zell coughed so the female instructor decided to explain, "Squall found out about his parents… his father is…"

Throughout the cafeteria and possible outside, the sound of Selphie's wall-shaking shriek could be heard, "WHAT DID YOU SAY!"

* * *

_Looks like yet another obstacle for Squall. What happens when Rinoa finds him? Will he be all right? How many more things could possible go wrong for him? And what does he finally do? Find out in the next chapter of Learning to Live: "My Mind."_


	6. My Mind

I am terribly sorry about this extremely late update. And a big thank you to all those who have stuck around waiting for it, I really appreciate it. Expect more quicker updates because I am on holidays!

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, locations, etc. of Final Fantasy VIII; they belong only to their rightful owner, and it is not me.

* * *

_Laguna again, it's always about Laguna. I hate him. I resent him for everything that he's put me through. I resent him because Rinoa is seeing me like this… Damn him._

Squall sat on his bed, his back against the wall, legs drawn up to his body. He folded his arms across his bent knees and rested his head, hoping it could in some way drown out reality. So he wouldn't go insane.

So he wouldn't lose her.

The knock at the door startled him. He wasn't expecting anyone to see him at the moment. In the cafeteria, he had displayed a fury that no one had seen before. It was a dangerous emotion, not to be taken lightly. Yet who was at the door, asking for a possible death wish? Who would possibly want to risk their life to see him?

"Squall," spoke a female voice, muffled behind the door.

_Of course, Rinoa would._

After drawing himself together the best he could, he headed to the door and opened it. Blue eyes met brown. Frown met timid smile. A man in pieces met a woman who held herself together in order to help him. And he let her in.

He wasn't angry anymore. His feelings had settled to something more of a depressed and miserable nature. Too weary to feel the rage he felt when he had stormed out on his friends. Really, he was sorry for his behaviour. Sorry that she had to see him like this, when they were meant to be taking romantic walks and having candlelit dinners. Perhaps that was exaggerating, he thought. However he knew that he wasn't meant to be torturing her like this with his own problems.

_Yet she smiles as if everything is okay._

It wasn't until he realised that the room was silent, that he discovered his hand was still on the doorknob. Rinoa had already entered and was waiting for him. Wearily, he closed and locked it before turning to join her.

He stood in front of her, gazing down at her. She was close enough so that he could reach out to her and hold her in his arms; but he didn't move. He was afraid.

_Maybe she came here to say goodbye, to say, "I'm sorry, Squall. You're just too fucked up in the head for me. I'd prefer someone that didn't cry over mummy-daddy problems like a baby. I need someone who isn't burdened with guilt or anything like that…"_

She attempted a small smile, "Hey," her voice soft, "Are you okay?" her eyes showed a kindness matching her words.

He nodded, not sure what he was meant to say.

_Then she will say, "I came to pity you… so you'll think that someone actually cares for you when in fact no one does."_

"I came to keep you company," she tried to explain, "I'm worried about you."

He responded with another nod, his eyes were downcast and his body slumped unhappily. He felt like one horrible mess and it was even worse because Rinoa was the one that came to clean him up.

_And then next, she will tell me, "Actually, I'm really sick of the way you keep overreacting to these situations. Grow up, will you? I can't always be there to pick you up when you feel like crap. You're all alone."_

Slowly she crept towards him and placed her hand on his cheek, which surprised him momentarily. She wanted to make his pain go away. It was tormenting to see the one she admired suffer, "Tell me what's on your mind. Tell me what I should do to help you."

He closed his eyes, enjoying the feel of her hand. His pessimistic thoughts were collecting again but he ignored them the best he could. Truly he knew that she hadn't come here to leave. She was fulfilling the very thing he wanted…

_Just stay close to me._

Squall withdrew her hand and held it in his own. His mind was swimming with too many thoughts that he could no longer hold on to; too many incoherent thoughts to interpret. He focused on the person in front of him, his girlfriend. Gently he copied the move that she had made earlier on his cheek. She sighed and closed her eyes, her head slightly tilting into his palm.

"…You're not my girlfriend," he told her, "It's an insult to call you that. After everything that's happened… you're far more than just a girlfriend."

Her eyes opened and she stared at him in silence, in awe of his sweet words. She wondered where the sudden confession had come from, but figured that he must have been thinking about it for a while. But all thoughts were erased as she saw the way he moistened his lips and moved towards her own. Immediately, her eyes closed and her heart fluttered with anticipation.

When their lips met, Squall felt as if everything was right in the world. Nothing mattered anymore except that he was with who he wanted to be with. He was with her, kissing her. It was a simple kiss, with no groping or fancy moves that he had heard a certain friend boast about. Simple, yet bursting with all the emotions that he associated with her.

"Rinoa," he whispered, resting his forehead on hers after the kiss ended, "…I think I'm falling in love with you."

* * *

Squall returned shortly to the cafeteria after Rinoa confronted him in his dormitory. His friends, especially Selphie, looked apprehensive as he approached the table he previously abandoned. Rinoa was at his side, holding onto his hand and she nodded secretly at everybody to point out that the crisis had been averted. Everyone seemed to let out a breath they had been holding since the commander had left. 

As he sat, Selphie lifted her head and was the first to speak, "I'm sorry, Squall. I didn't know. I didn't think something like this would happen while Irvine and I were away. I didn't mean to upset you."

He shook his head and replied, "No, you didn't know. Don't apologise." Then he tried to give a reassuring smile which he figured looked fake but he didn't want his comrades to think that his unhappiness was their fault.

They did see that his smile was forced but decided to let it go. There was no point in probing into his personal life; he had already been through enough.

After breakfast, Squall found himself at his office, ready to commence another day of boring paperwork. Once again, Cid was nowhere to be found, possibly wiped off the face of the planet. It was this fact which irritated the commander to no end as he slumped in his desk chair, grumbling at the mass pile of documents. He believed that all the work given to him wasn't solely his; some of Cid's work was bound to be in his heap too.

He settled in for the next three hours with a single folder and was then interrupted by desperate poundings on his door. Zell rushed in without bothering to wait for an answer. Unfortunately, he looked more agitated than usual, "Squall! You gotta come quickly to the Training Centre. We got three T-Rexaurs running around and they're totally out of control. Quistis can't handle them by herself!"

Without hesitation, he grabbed for his gunblade and sprinted to the elevator, Zell following right behind him. The elevator felt as if it was going slower than usual as it travelled to the bottom floor. When the doors slid open, Seifer stood in front of them with a smirk across his face.

"What's with the look, Chicken…" he wasn't able to finish his insult because the two men darted past him without acknowledgement.

However, Squall yelled as he ran off, "If you've got your gunblade on you, get yourself to the Training Centre now!"

He hesitated, for no one was meant to order the Great Seifer, but he eventually got over it and drew out his weapon, following the pair to the urgent situation.

"Quistis!" cried Zell, upon discovering the instructor had been knocked out cold by the ferocious monsters.

Xu was also there, attempting to shield the terrified junior classmen from the T-Rexaurs. However she looked exhausted and was likely to be seriously injured from fending off the beasts.

The commander readied himself and ran directly into battle, not caring about the consequences. He began by blasting all three monsters with Blizzaga spells in order to draw then away from the children. It worked, but he became their primary target; if not, lunch. They angrily charged towards him, salivating mouths wide open, ready to attack and Squall kept them away for a moment while he waited for backup.

Quistis was thrown a Phoenix Down by Seifer and then Xu assisted everyone in getting out of the area. Meanwhile, the three men battled on, finally killing the T-Rexaurs and thus ensuring the safety of all cadets and injured instructors.

Zell ushered everybody out of the Training Centre, excluding the SeeDs and Seifer. Squall hid a wince of pain as best he could. He knew he was bleeding but he knew he had to stay strong for everyone else, "Is everyone all right?" he questioned.

Xu helped a pale Quistis to his feet. Seifer, who was right beside them, also lent them a hand. "We're fine, thank you so much," said Xu.

"What the hell happened here?" asked Seifer as the group trudged slowly towards the infirmary.

"They all just appeared at once…" the blonde instructor replied meekly, "They were more worked up than usual. I don't understand why…"

The commander waved his hand, signalling for her not to continue, "Rest first, Quis. We'll find out what happened when you've fully recovered."

* * *

Rinoa paced back and forth in the hallway leading to her boyfriend's room. She had heard what had happened and supposed that Squall was mostly likely to go back to his room rather than drop into the Infirmary for his injuries. The appearance of him walking towards her confirmed her prediction. 

She immediately dashed to his side, "Squall, are you hurt? I knew you'd come here. Why didn't you just go to the Infirmary?"

"I'm fine," he gave a meek smile and went to open his door.

"No, you're bleeding," she pointed out, "That is not fine." She saw his torn white T-shirt and cuts where the T-Rexaur had clawed at him.

Once they entered the room, Rinoa instantly got the first-aid kit and ordered him to sit on the bed. He took off his black jacket and she rolled up the bottom of his T-shirt so that she could see the wound better. Luckily it wasn't too deep so she easily cleaned his wound and bandaged it.

Squall attempted to look away and ignore the sensations he felt as her fingertips ran over his skin. This wasn't the first time he felt this way when she was with him. He shook his head and closed his eyes. _"Stupid Irvine…"_ he mentally cursed the sharpshooter for his dirty jokes. But her presence was all too much and he caught himself staring at her. Once she was done, she glanced up with a smile and a curious "hmm?"

"Thank you," he kissed her forehead and smiled back.

There were some things he'd rather her not know just yet.

* * *

_Squall never contacts Laguna as the months pass. But he spends more time with Rinoa and feels himself changing once more. But what happens when he gets an unexpected visit from the last person he wants to see? Find out in the next chapter of Learning to Live: "Unexpected."_


	7. Unexpected

Sorry for the late update everyone. I would like to express my deepest gratitude for those who have commented and/or placed me on their favourites list. It is enjoyable writing this story and I hope that you enjoy it just as much as I do. My greatest regret is not having enough time to update quickly, but I'm glad everyone is patient with me and my little story. Thanks one last time.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, locations, etc. of Final Fantasy VIII; they belong only to their rightful owner, and it is not me.

* * *

"…_You can't change the past. I just found that out. When I was kidnapped, Uncle Laguna went on a journey to find me… But because he did, Uncle Laguna wasn't able to be by Raine's side when she died. Raine wanted to show Laguna her new born baby... Raine kept calling out for Laguna. So no matter what, I wanted Laguna to stay in the village… But it didn't work. I can no longer make it back to that moment…"_

Squall's eyes opened abruptly at the sound of his alarm's morning tune. He had been dreaming. He had heard Ellone's voice explain the reason why he became Laguna in those strange visions. It wasn't until later that he found out that he was that 'new born baby'. Laguna never came back before Raine died.

"I wonder if she ever blamed him…" Squall thought, turning to his side, "Did she die with regrets? With anger? A baby… without a father. No wonder so many things in my life screwed up. He's the one to blame…"

"Good morning, Squall!" a cheery voice suddenly interrupted his brooding.

He nearly fell off the bed in fright at the unexpected interjection. Having avoided landing on the floor, he unluckily hit his head on the wall at the top of his bed. This was not the awakening he had exactly wanted. Muttering a curse beneath his breath, he lifted his head to find his girlfriend trying to hide her amusement.

"What's so funny?" he grumbled, his morning voice low and husky.

Rinoa sat on his bed and tried to keep a straight face, "I know that SeeDs are trained to be prepared for anything and put themselves on defence mode when sudden things happen. But that was purely shameful, Commander Leonheart! Why, had a Malboro ambushed you, I don't think they'd leave time to laugh at your antics. You should've seen the way you jumped."

He groaned, "You're just teasing me now," he turned away from her and rubbed his sore head. After a while, he spoke again, "How did you get into my room?"

"You gave me the key!" she cried, as if it was the most obvious fact in the world. Then she added cheekily, "…Now Squall, I know you always recommend people to go talk to a wall, but I'm over here."

"…I like where I am," he replied bluntly, eyes staring blankly at the wall in front of him.

For a short moment, it was as if the power of the sorceress had intensified in the room. Rinoa glowered at her boyfriend's back and approached with arms extended, hands near his neck, "Are you ignoring…" she said slowly in a merciless tone.

With swift movement, Squall rolled over, grabbed her and pulled her downwards. Even she was unable to predict his actions as she yelped with surprise. The world spun around briefly before she discovered that she was pinned down by his body, with his face smirking proudly above her.

"It certainly is a good morning, Miss Heartilly," he attempted to say with a serious face but his eyes couldn't hide his elation.

Rinoa giggled at his antics, enjoying the feel of having him close to her. Things had certainly started changing after the Laguna incident in the cafeteria. That had been over five months ago. Days passed and Squall had slowly begun to open up to her. He smiled at her a lot more and they shared more jokes together. There was laughter too, but she felt that something was missing…

She pretended to pass out, "Ew…" she whispered, "Squall's morning breath… gross."

In revenge, he poked her side several times, making her body jolt with shock, "What was that?" he warned.

"You cheater," she said between laughs, "You know I'm ticklish… stop!"

He chuckled beneath his breath before stopping to gaze at the beauty that lay before him. Her smooth skin, the blush of her cheeks, her smile and the way her chest rose with every quick breath she took. There was something about her that made her special to him. As she recovered from being tickled and gazed directly into his eyes, he felt his heart stop. Hell, he felt the entire world stop for that instant; and lately, that had been happening a lot.

He lowered his head until his lips nearly touched hers. Her laboured breaths could be felt against his lips as he closed the gap and kissed her gently.

They stared at each other afterwards, neither wanting to leave the room and continue on with their everyday lives. Unfortunately, a Garden without a commander would not go down well with Cid and the other senior members.

"We should get going…" he said with a sigh.

A brief flicker of disappointment appeared on her face before she hid it well behind a cheery smile, "Yeah, we should. The others are probably heading to breakfast. Go, get ready. I'll be waiting."

As Squall got ready for the day, he couldn't help but sense there was something odd about his girlfriend's expression. But he wasn't able to figure it out. And by the time they were ready to head to the cafeteria, she appeared to be her normal self again before he could ask.

* * *

"Yo, Squall!" Zell waved them over frantically, "Look who came!" 

His eyes quickly scanned their usual table to see what was different this morning. There was Zell looking a little too ecstatic. Selphie and Irvine were not present. Surprisingly, Seifer had woken up and was now reclining on a chair with his arms resting on the back rung; he had a smirk on his face. Even more astonishing was the fact that there was someone unexpected sitting beside Quistis, conversing with her.

"Hey, isn't that Ellone?" questioned Rinoa.

Right on cue, the young woman lifted her head and smiled at the couple. She waved happily to them as they walked towards the table. Over the last couple of months, her hair had grown longer and she now wore it in a ponytail. She was also wearing a pair of jeans and a simple white blouse. That was why he couldn't recognise her at first.

"Sis," said the commander, "What are you doing here?"

Ellone chuckled, "What's wrong, Squall? I'm not allowed to visit my own family?"

The group laughed as the pair sat down and he realised how rude he must have sounded, "No, I'm just surprised, that's all," he tried to explain before changing the subject, "When did you get here?"

"Late last night, actually," she answered with a smile, "I decided to wait until morning because I didn't want to wake anyone up."

"How did you get here? Did you come all by yourself, sis?" Zell asked, concerned about her safety.

Ellone shifted uncomfortably in her seat and cleared her throat, "Well, I came here directly from Esthar on the White SeeD ship… with Uncle Laguna."

The commander could swear he felt the blood drain from his head suddenly. Everyone looked at each other and then towards him with a worried expression. Rinoa immediately reached for his hand, which had unconsciously balled into a fist, and tried to calm him down by rubbing it gently.

Just when he thought he could get away, given the distance between Esthar and Balamb. He would never have guessed that his so-called father would come here and end up in the same building as him.

Squall sat quietly during breakfast, without losing his temper like last time. He ate his food but the group noticed that he was more concerned with pushing the food around on the plate rather than doing any actual eating. Rinoa was especially anxious, hoping that he would be okay considering the awkwardness.

He left with what sounded like a grunt rather than a farewell and retreated towards his office. His friends glanced worriedly at each other and finally focused on Rinoa. She cleared her throat, "I think he wants to be alone for a while," she commented to which the others nodded in agreement.

* * *

There was a quiet knock on the door shortly after he had settled down into his paperwork. The commander sighed and wondered who would be knocking so softly. He would eventually find out. "Door's open," he murmured, looking down at his papers one last time. 

The door creaked open but the figure remained in the doorway. This irritated Squall because he didn't think it was necessary to have to personally invite someone into his boring office. When friends dropped by to visit, they would never bother knocking. Rinoa would announce herself by throwing the door open, bounding over to him and kissing him on the cheek. He lifted his head in case it was Ellone who wasn't used to his office mannerisms.

Squall remained silent as he glared at the person at his door. The last person he wanted to see.

"Hey Squall..." the man mumbled uncertainly.

He immediately cut him off, "What the hell are you doing here?"

Laguna was not surprised at the icy welcome; he had expected it well before he had decided to pay Balamb Garden a visit, "I wanted to see how you were-"

"I was perfectly fine until I found out you were here," snapped the young man.

His father paused to draw a breath, "I was concerned."

"Really? Trying to get rid of the guilt of abandoning your family?"

"Don't make it sound like I didn't care, Squall."

He stood from the desk and stared murderously at his father, "Since when did caring mean not being there for your child all through his life? Why would you start caring when you left Raine to die and Ellone and I at some orphanage?"

Laguna was stunned at his harsh words and could see he was losing a battle with someone who was full of bitterness and resentment. Someone who had experienced too much loneliness and pain beyond what an ordinary person would go through in a lifetime. It would be a very difficult task to patch up what remained of their relationship and heal the hurt in Squall's eyes that he could see.

He answered in a quiet voice, "Don't make it sound like I didn't try-"

"Why? The truth hurts doesn't it?" Squall growled with fury. He had had enough. He moved from behind the table until he stood across from the other man. "I know why you're here, _Laguna_. It's because I'm commander of Balamb Garden, isn't it? You want to reclaim me so you can show the world just how talented your son is. Imagine that, the president of the most technological city has a son who is just as able as he. Is that how it is? I can read you like a book and you're the type of book which I'd throw away after reading the first page. You're nothing but garbage!" His voice intensified with rage, "I hate you! I wish I wasn't your son and I wish you never existed!"

Laguna replied with a rough punch to his son's right jaw, "And I certainly cannot believe that a person born from my blood can treat everyone with respect except his own father!"

The younger male made an answer of his own by punching him as well before shoving him repeatedly towards the direction of the door, "GET THE FUCK OUT!" he yelled, which even surprised himself as he had never raised his voice at that volume at anyone before and he also rarely swore aloud.

"Oh Hyne, what's going on?" a female voice could be heard.

_Rinoa._

"Squall! Uncle Laguna!" another voice shouted. It sounded like Ellone.

When the elevator doors had opened, the sound of two men arguing with each other could be heard all the way down the hallway. Rinoa recognised one of them as belonging to her boyfriend and she instantly became afraid. She wasn't afraid of him though; just afraid of what was happening to him because she had never heard him sound so distressed. Ellone, who was with her, had exclaimed that it was Uncle Laguna. As if wordlessly reaching a mutual understanding, they had rushed towards the commotion.

The young sorceress was first to rush into the room and was mortified by the sight. There was Squall and Laguna at each other's throats and she saw that both had sustained equally serious injuries to their faces. Without thinking of any danger she would be in, she stepped in and intervened before any weapons could be taken out. She pushed the men apart as Ellone ran in to take Laguna out; probably back to his own room.

"_Well, I can see some resemblance now,"_ Rinoa thought silently, _"They are usually calm but when fired up, they sure get angry in the same way..."_

She turned to Squall, who was breathing heavily as if he was ready to kill anyone who decided to get in his way. "Squall?" she said softly before approaching him cautiously in case he lashed out at her, "It's okay, he's gone now."

He threw his arms around Rinoa and held her tightly, almost squeezing the wind out of her. "Please don't leave me, Rin," he said in a hoarse voice.

She couldn't tell if he was crying or not. But that didn't really matter because she could hear all the agony in his voice. She did all she could by holding him as well, hoping that there would be a way to resolve this conflict.

* * *

To be continued... (you thought there would be a hook for the next chapter, didn't you?) ;) 


	8. Growth

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, locations, etc. of Final Fantasy VIII; they belong only to their rightful owner, and it is not me.

Thanks for the wait and reviews everyone, I will try to get more chapters done since I'm on a break now )

* * *

"Uncle Laguna, what on earth were you doing?" cried Ellone. The usually docile woman was shocked, and a little angry, at what had just happened. 

The president of Esthar rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, "I was trying to talk to Squall. You know, trying to sort some things out..."

"I don't think that did anything except leave a bruise on both of your faces," she replied, gritting her teeth, "Squall doesn't like it when someone confronts him with such a sensitive issue. Hell, that's why he's been avoiding people for so long! You have to give it some time. At least wait until he approaches you. But at this rate, it will be a long time considering what you just did."

"I'm sorry, Elle. I just wanted to see how he was doing..."

She softened seeing the sincerity and truth in his eyes, "There's no need to rush, Uncle Laguna. Everything will be okay, believe me," she gave him a supportive hug.

Laguna sighed, "I hope so."

* * *

She stayed until he was able to continue with his work. Even though he had reassured her that he would be fine, she couldn't feel but a little rejected; she had wanted to comfort him some more because he still looked unhappy. But before she left, she composed her nerves and invited him for dinner. 

"Squall," she began, wrapping her arms around him, "Can we go out to dinner tonight?"

He paused, "Hmm, why? Sympathy?"

"No! It's just that..." her voice trailed off, the butterflies were regrouping in her stomach.

"Hmm?"

The sorceress inhaled and sat on the edge of his desk, "Like, when two people are dating, they should have already... you know... by this time?" She wanted to kick herself for being so nervous. It was just asking her boyfriend out to dinner; why was it so hard?

"No, not really. What are you trying to say?" he questioned, "Have you been talking to Irvine again?"

She blushed at what he was implying, "No, it's not that! Squall..." she moaned.

He chuckled softly in reply, "I know, Rinoa. You want to go on a date tonight," he stood and gazed directly into her brown eyes, "I like seeing you squirm your way into asking."

"That's mean!" she cried, hitting his shoulder playfully. She stood as well and stared back at him, "But at least you're smiling again."

He kissed her forehead, "Thank you. I'll see you tonight then."

* * *

Rinoa glanced into the mirror of her bathroom for what seemed like the millionth time. She had to admit that she was really nervous about going to dinner with Squall. It was going to be their first real _date_. They had tried to go on 'dates' before; usually to the cafeteria for a late night snack because he had been working late again. But that was obviously nothing compared to the potential situation that was about to unfold. 

She inhaled slowly in an attempt to calm her nerves, reminding herself that it was only Squall. Carefully applying the last of her makeup, she felt rather satisfied with her appearance and concluded with a final adjustment of the strap of her black dress.

A knock sounded and she knew exactly that he had arrived, "Door's open," she called, grabbing her purse and turning towards the door.

The young sorceress stopped in her tracks when the door opened and he stepped in. He had changed clothes, substituting his usual attire for a dark blue collared shirt and black trousers. His hair had been combed neatly into place and he smelt slightly of cologne.

Rinoa felt her heart stop for a few seconds as she gazed at his appearance. There was something else. It wasn't just the fact that he looked so handsome...

It was the way he was staring at her.

His eyes quickly examined her from head to toe, lingering slightly longer on her curves, accentuated by her dark dress. He seemed to be hiding his surprise as well as he swiftly snapped out his trance and spoke, "Ready to go?"

She felt her body relax and nodded, glad not to have been discovered ogling her boyfriend like a love-struck teenager. Her eyes searched for shoes and found them on the floor near the corner of the room. She strode over and bent to pick them up.

Squall clenched his fist as she retrieved her shoes and was thankful he had chosen to omit the gloves tonight. If he had, his girlfriend would have heard the scrunching of leather and realised that something was wrong.

Technically, there wasn't anything wrong. _It's the dress_, he tried to convince himself, as he tried to politely avert his eyes. Unfortunately, Rinoa's picking up of her shoes had caused the front of her dress to reveal a little something he hadn't quite been expecting; and causing a tiny portion of his creative imagination get slightly carried away. He sharply drew in a breath and unclenched his fist, wondering why he had never seen this side of her before.

"Squall?" he heard her call.

"...Yes?"

She giggled softly, "It's nice for us to go for dinner tonight, but I was thinking that we should have it somewhere else besides my room."

_In.her.room..._ _dinner..._

He snapped out of his second trance and discovered that she was waiting at her door, curious as to why he was spacing out. In reply, he nodded and proceeded to walk out so she could lock the door.

"Where are we going?" she smiled, gazing up at him in anticipation.

"Do you feel like hotdogs?" he instantly replied.

_Hotdogs..._

He wanted to kick himself for saying that. First, because he didn't know why he said it and he really didn't want to know the reason why. Second, because he saw her bewildered expression and her smile had faltered.

"...Oh," was her soft answer, "Still busy with work?"

Squall stopped and turned to her, a determined look on his face, "I was kidding," he gave her a sheepish smile which became broader when her face lightened, "Irvine mentioned some new restaurant Balamb. Do you want to try it?"

"Yeah, that sounds good to me," she emphasised her excitement by linking her arm with his.

At that simple gesture, the young man felt a million sensations rush from his arm and spread to the rest of his body. He cursed inwardly because he couldn't understand why he was feeling this way.

* * *

After travelling to Balamb by car, they stepped into the restaurant, glad to get out of the hot summer night. The weather had been unseasonably warm; hence why the couple hadn't bothered to bring an extra layer of clothing. 

Finding the place wasn't too hard because it was close to Balamb hotel. They entered and were amazed at the sophistication and elegance of the restaurant. The lighting was quite dim but candles were alight on every table, giving the place a warm glow. Staff greeted them at the door and led them to their seats. Their location gave the couple a wondrous view of the water and the rest of the town.

"This place is really nice..." commented Rinoa, as she turned to her boyfriend, "Squall...?"

He was in his own little world again, secretly admiring the way the candlelight danced and flickered across her face, giving her skin an ethereal radiance. He thought she looked absolutely stunning and it took a while for him to realise she was calling out to him, again.

The young woman couldn't help but feel a little hurt at his distractedness tonight. _If he didn't really want to come tonight, I shouldn't have made him_, she silently chastised herself.

Squall became aware of her flash of disappointment and immediately reached for her hand, "Sorry," he apologised, "I was just... admiring you."

She smiled at his honesty, which she knew was quite difficult for him to do. But, deep down, she really wondered if he really was happy being here when he probably had a pile of things to do back at Garden. Her emotions led her to feel slightly guilty and she couldn't push away the feeling that something was wrong.

The waiter came to their table to take down their orders, interrupting the moment they were having. When they were left alone, Squall resumed his 'brooding' while Rinoa nervously fiddled with the tablecloth.

The silence seemed unending; and especially disconcerting for her.

"Squall?" she said softly, unable to sit in awkward silence.

"Hm," it sounded like more of a grunt than a reply.

She played with her fingers apprehensively, "...How was work?"

He blinked, "The usual."

"Oh," she gave a small smile and thought it would be appropriate to retell the events of the day: observing classes, tidying up her dormitory, teaching Angelo a few tricks; all the mundane happenings. Midway through recalling how Zell had underestimated a young cadet's ability to punch a hole through the classroom wall, the young woman realised once more that her beloved knight had drifted off again.

She sighed inwardly, not wanting to make a big deal out of it. He was under a lot of pressure nowadays anyway, she reprimanded herself. Obviously there was something bothering him and it was making him wish he wasn't here with her, she supposed with a heavy heart.

The food arrived and silence ensued until they left the restaurant and drove back to Garden. Squall was still preoccupied and Rinoa was afraid to make him more uncomfortable and irritated as he already appeared to be.

* * *

They entered Squall's room. Rinoa entered first and headed towards the window, not uttering a single sound. 

Squall sighed, frustrated that he couldn't comprehend why she was feeling low. They had just been on a date and had dinner together after all. He hesitated slightly after closing and locking the door. Slowly, he ran a hand through his hair to move it out of his face. It felt like he had done something wrong to upset her. But he still couldn't figure it out and the lack of answers was irritating him.

"Rinoa..." he began, "What's wrong?"

She paused, "...Nothing."

"Please tell me."

She raised her voice slightly higher, thinking he had not heard her the first time, "Nothing's wrong."

Approaching her carefully so as not to startle her, he stood behind her and stared at the back of her head, "Then why don't you look at me?" His hand reached out to her shoulder and tried to turn her around. At first she resisted, but gradually gave in, turning until her teary eyes were revealed.

He was alarmed at her sudden tears but hid his shock as best he could, "Rin-"

"If you didn't want to come out tonight, you should have said something," she interrupted, her voice choked with tears as her eyes looked everywhere else but at him, "If you didn't want to go, I shouldn't have wasted your time."

His instant reaction was to shake his head in confusion, "What do you mean? I said I wanted to go with you..."

"No, you didn't!" her voice louder than she intended, before quietening down again, "You probably felt like you were obligated to do so."

"That's not true. What are you-"

She attempted to turn away but Squall held her shoulders so she faced him. Her eyes remained glued to the floor, "Then why didn't you want to talk to me? Why was it such an effort to get you to answer me? You're obviously too distracted with your work that you don't have time for me..." Sobs began to break out as she struggled to maintain herself.

"No-" he tried to explain. She had it all wrong and he had to let her know his real thoughts.

"I've been waiting," she continued, not giving him a chance to speak, "But every time I want to ask, it's always after you finish work and you always look so tired! I just wanted... I just wanted... Hyne! I sound so selfish. Just forget it... forget the whole thing..."

He pulled her closer until his arms wrapped around her and her head leant against his shoulder, "Rinoa, stop..." he whispered gently, almost like a plea.

Despite all the battles he had ever been in. Despite all the times he had ever gotten knocked out, silenced, blinded, confused, poisoned and the like. Having her crying out all her bottled emotions like this in his arms made him feel so weak, so vulnerable. He worried that he wouldn't be able to console her and make her smile again. At that moment, he realised just where his true weakness lay.

And he didn't like it. Not.one.bit.

He felt her head lift from his shoulder and he turned to face her, seeing her weary eyes and the way they were devoid of the spirit she possessed earlier. It felt like his fault. He had been distracted, not because of work; but because of her.

And he had to let her know for sure she was the reason why he was acting the way he was.

Squall ran his fingers down her cheek before cupping her chin and drawing her closer, "You were too beautiful tonight, Rinoa," he told her softly.

With that said, he punctuated his explanation by placing a gentle kiss on her lips. It was soft but held all his emotions. Then, he crushed her petite body against his frame and deepened the kiss. It began to feel needy; almost desperate.

Rinoa was surprised at his sudden display of raw emotion but did not feel the need to protest. She threw her arms around him and felt the need to reciprocate all the feelings that his passionate kiss gave her. Her breath hitched upon feeling his warm hands run sensually down her back and she gripped his shirt tightly, believing her legs were about to give way.

They drew apart for a moment for some much needed air. He smiled and placed tender kisses down her neck and exposed shoulders, causing her to gasp. "Squall..." she whispered in a slightly lustful manner. The sensations were simple but made her feel something she had never felt before. She ran her fingers through his hair before meeting his lips once more.

He made her breathless. His presence and touch intoxicated her but it never stopped her from asking for more, to which he complied. For once, she understood what he felt and thought about her. It made her discover the deeper feelings he had for her; the ones he would never openly express but she could sense them as their lips repeatedly crashed against each other.

She felt movement and realised that they had both collapsed onto his small bed, lips and tongues never parting. Tenderly, her nails traced lightly over the border between his hair and the skin of his neck and he responded with gentle kisses down the side of her neck. One of his hands continuously travelled up and down one side of her body while the other grasped her hand tightly.

As he paused for a moment to catch his breath and rested above her, using his elbows as support, he unintentionally shifted, causing his hips to meet with hers. He didn't seem to notice this brief contact. On the other hand, this seemingly innocent act led the young sorceress to widen her eyes as it finally clicked in her mind what it was that pressed against her in the most _sacred_ of areas.

_He wanted her!_

Even though she was aware it was a normal occurrence for anyone of the male species, she was still astonished that her own knight saw her in this way. It further confirmed the fact that the mighty Squall Leonhart was still a human after all; and of course, a man with needs.

But she always knew he was human. Yet, others would idolise him and impose a divine stature upon this hero who had prevented the death of the world. She supposed that unconsciously, she found herself doing the same too. Nonetheless, being here in his arms and having his body so close made her fully appreciate the fact that she would be the only one who would ever see this side of him; and no one else ever would.

She blushed, embarrassed that she had been so immature and naive in all these situations. Here, she had been complaining and upset about how he never cared about her. But really, she had been the one oblivious to these inner feelings he harboured towards her.

"Squall, I'm sorry I got all worked up," she apologised, "I didn't know..."

Her boyfriend silenced her by placing a finger over her lips and proving his point by giving a quick peck as well, "There's nothing to apologise for."

She nodded and reached for him to give him a tight hug. He resisted at first, worried he was about to crush her. But he thought again, and remembered she probably had been blasted with every blizzard, fire and thunder spell to boot; so he figured a bit of his weight wouldn't do much damage. He wrapped his arms around her, his head resting on the pillow space between her neck and shoulder, and inhaled the scent of the woman he had fallen in love with.

Everything was so peaceful that they didn't want this moment to end.

But sadly, it had to because the young sorceress had to go back to her own room. It was getting late and the academy had strict rules in place. The commander grunted, disappointed, and vowed that if he ever had the chance to take full control of Garden, he would make sure she would spent every night in his arms.

He found it amusing. Since when had he gotten so possessive of her?

They walked hand in hand back to her room. Before she closed the door, she called out to him one last time and gave him a quick kiss on the lips.

When the door finally closed, both man and woman couldn't help but feel...

That something had been satisfied... but then, something else had been left incomplete and unfinished...

* * *


	9. Mother

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, locations, etc. of Final Fantasy VIII; they belong only to their rightful owner, and it is not me.

* * *

Squall settled down for the night and tightly wrapped his blanket around him. He could still sense his girlfriend's warmth and scent just from closing his eyes and inhaling deeply. It was soothing; much like what he imagined the presence of a mother would bring – warmth and security.

He closed his eyes again, _"As if I know what it feels like..."_ he scoffed inwardly.

Thinking the rest of his thoughts were about to dissolve away once he retired for sleep, it startled him when his mind started spontaneously forming images; without his intention.

"_Raine... Are you gonna marry Uncle Laguna?"_

"_A guy like that? He was carried in here crying like a baby, and I was the one who had to take care of him... His crude way of speaking... I don't know if his aspirations as a journalist... Every time I try to have a serious conversation, he avoids it... I can't stand his snoring and he talks in his sleep..."_

"_...Yoo don't like him?"_

"_...I feel the same way as you, Ellone."_

Squall sat up on his bed and rubbed his forehead, hoping it would somehow erase the images. Ellone's power to send him back in time allowed him to recall, albeit unwillingly, what he experienced in those episodes. He had had such a wonderful night with Rinoa that he didn't want something like this to ruin the rest of it. He questioned why the past kept creeping behind him every time he found a new form of happiness with his love and friends. It was almost as if the shadowy past was crawling around somewhere in the recesses of his mind and waiting for the opportune moment to pounce onto his vulnerable state.

That's why he had to make himself invincible to the heart-moving presences of other people. If he could surround himself with a wall of coldness, then perhaps people would be unable to reach him and make him feel weak. Then the past would stop trying to catch up with him and make his world darker.

Suddenly he felt a painful, but familiar, sensation course throughout his body. There was the ringing in his ears and the feeling of wanting to collapse into a deep sleep. With the last of his waking strength, he called out to Ellone; before plunging into darkness.

* * *

The commander found himself lying on the floor of Laguna's house in Winhill. It was obvious that he was back in the past, given the walls and floors were clean and not as rundown as they were in the present day. He staggered to his feet using his hands as support, discovering that they looked rather transparent; as well as emitting a strange glow.

Something at the corner of the room caught his eye and he paced towards it. He closely examined the object on the table. It was a photo frame with a picture of Laguna and Raine. Laguna was dressed in a black suit while Raine wore a sophisticated, yet simple, white gown. Obviously, it was a wedding photo. And by the looks of it, it was pretty recent.

Slowly, he trudged up the stairs and entered the door at the end of the hallway, shielding his eyes from the light that flooded in from the windows. When his vision finally adjusted, he found Raine sitting by the window in a rocking chair, holding a young baby who beared much resemblance to the commander himself.

"...Mother?" he exclaimed in confusion.

Raine's eyes lightened and she turned her head in his direction, her eyes piercing directly into Squall's. He saw how her eyes were very similar to his. For a moment, he thought that she had heard his voice. However, after inspecting the rest of the room, she turned her attention back to the sleeping infant in her arms. There was no one else in the room with her; except for Squall – the baby and the young man she was unable to see.

"Ah, Squall," she softly cooed, "You're absolutely adorable. I hope your father comes back soon to see you. He'll be so happy." She ran her fingertips gently on the top of his head and stroked the small amount of hair there.

The present-day Squall slowly approached the mother and baby until he stood at her side. He peered down at the younger version of him and narrowed his eyes with sorrow. He glanced at the beaming woman, _"So this is my mother,"_ he mused, feeling a lone tear run down his cheek as he peered at the serene smile gracing her motherly features.

Being here, standing beside her made him realise all the things he had missed out on for the majority of his life. He had a mother who genuinely cared about him and loved him from the second he was born. It made him feel terribly regretful that all these precious moments were taken from him; everything was beyond his control.

"Squall Leonhart," Raine said softly, "I love you."

Without warning, the room was enveloped in darkness. As he turned to gaze at his mother one last time, he found that the darkness had already taken her away. But he heard the cry of the baby and his heart wrenched in misery. He was all alone, once more.

* * *

He woke up in a cold sweat, heart pounding rapidly and breaths quick and uneven. The dream, no the _episode_, had left him feeling slightly disoriented. He had just been with his mother, standing right next to her; so close that he could have reached to touch her, if he had been able to. However, to his dismay, the scene had dispersed just as quickly as it had formed.

Tiredly, he rested his elbows on his knees and clutched at his hair in frustration. The clock read 5AM. It was still too early to get up. But he knew that he wouldn't be able to fall back asleep any time soon.

"_Sis must have been doing this..."_ the realisation dawned upon him, _"I have to go find her."_

He exited his room in search of the guest's quarters which weren't too far away. After finding her door in the semi-darkness, he knocked on it softly but loud enough for the occupant to hear it. Soon enough, the sound of shuffling footsteps could be heard and the door opened, revealing Ellone. Her tidy hair and wide eyes indicated that she definitely had not been asleep.

"Squall!" she cried in alarm, perhaps a bit too loudly. She lowered her voice, "You look like a mess! What's wrong? Come in, come in!"

When they finally settled down, the commander was the first to speak, "Why did you do that, sis?"

She pretended not to know, which was very much unlike her, "What do you-"

"Don't say you didn't do it," Squall muttered, almost like a threat, his eyes glaring at the carpet, "I _know_ what it was." He hadn't realised until now that his teeth were gritted and his hands were balled into tight fists.

Ellone gently placed her hand on his shoulder and gave it a tight squeeze, "I'm sorry. I should have asked you first. It's my fault..."

"_He_ put you up to it, didn't he?" his voice darkening at the thought of his so-called father scheming and using Ellone to get to him.

She gasped, "No! Squall, it's nothing like that. Uncle Laguna doesn't have anything to do with it. It was all me," she paused to what his reaction would be. When it seemed like he was waiting for her to continue, she did so, "I just wanted to help. Seeing you and him fighting like this upsets me. I thought that if I could show you what it was like, you would understand Uncle-"

"You sound like you're on his side," he interrupted in an accusatory manner, feeling a little angry at himself for putting Ellone in this situation. He knew her intentions were well. But anything that had to do with the president of Esthar never sat well with the likes of Squall.

Although he could not see, he could feel her eyes glaring at his sitting form; full of hurt, shock and frustration. She inhaled slowly and seemed to mentally count backwards from ten, "I'm not on anyone's side," she replied calmly, "I just don't like this."

His shoulders slumped, "...I'm sorry," he apologised, "I'm not angry at you... it's just..." his voice trailing off, unsure of how to put his emotions into words.

"I understand," she replied, "Here, I'll make us some tea and we can talk about it some more, all right?"

All Squall could do was nod in defeat.

* * *

"Thanks, sis," he said to her as they headed towards the door. They had spent the past hour or so talking about his mother. He had recalled what he witnessed in the episode while Ellone reminisced about the things Raine used to do for them. The talk had left him feeling slightly nostalgic and not as bitter as he initially was. He was beginning to admit that his mother might have been someone that genuinely and unconditionally loved him.

Ellone opened the door for him and stood in the doorway as he began to make his way back to his room, "Remember, if you ever need to talk to me again, just let me know."

Squall turned to nod at her but when he turned around, he found Rinoa standing nearby. For a split second, her eyes darted between her still-dishevelled boyfriend and his 'Sis' and her mind processed the scene before her, including the final words exchanged. Her face contorted to an expression of confusion but then her face broke into a smile as she greeted the two properly.

"Good morning, Squall! Good morning, Ellone!" she said cheerfully, despite her inner feelings contradicting her countenance.

Ellone smiled back, obviously unaware of the micro-expressions from the young sorceress, "Good morning, Rinoa. You're certainly up early."

She nodded vigorously in reply, "Yes, I came to find Squall but I couldn't find him in his room. I thought he had already went to work so I was about to search his office. But, it looks like I found him now. Running away from me now are you, Squall?"

Only the most experienced detectors would be able to perceive the slightest tinge of bitterness in her last sentence behind her broad smile. Unfortunately, that expert happened to be her boyfriend. He suddenly felt a feeling of dread upon him and realised that the situation probably looked slightly odd to her. After all, he decided, it was his fault, why couldn't he just confront Ellone a bit later in the day? Why couldn't he have just gone to his girlfriend's room if he was in such need for comfort? He began to regret his previous actions as he saw the smallest hint of pain in her eyes.

The couple waved goodbye to Ellone and headed back to the commander's room. Rinoa waited for her boyfriend to shower and get ready for the morning. She sat on his bed and gazed around the room uncomfortably. It wasn't so much the fact that he had spent the early hours of the morning in his Sis's room, it was the fact that he still could not open up to her. In a few months time, it would be their first year together as boyfriend and girlfriend. However, as the young sorceress tightened her grip on his bed sheets, she began to wonder just how much did she know about the orphan boy who lost his parents in the most tragic of circumstances. She pondered what she knew about Squall and what she didn't know about him; and found the latter far exceeded the former. It was saddening when she thought of it that way.

'What is it like to be Squall?' seemed to be the prominent question for her. She wasn't like the rest of the gang because she hadn't grown up in the orphanage with them. For a while, she had parents who looked after her when she was a child and a mother she could remember. But, what of Squall? He could barely remember either of his parents and he had spent most of his time alone, in his little shell.

But there was a similarity between them now. Both Caraway and Laguna were still alive, but their relations to their children were practically non-existent. The first because she broke free of the chains and joined the resistance. The second because he never knew his father existed, and he was still resentful of his 'abandonment'.

The bathroom door opened and Squall stepped out, rubbing his hair vigorously with a white towel. He eyed her carefully and contemplated whether or not to approach her about the whole 'spending the morning with Sis' issue. On the one hand, he didn't want her having second thoughts about his fidelity (he and Ellone were almost siblings, for Hyne's sake). On the other hand though, he didn't want to make it seem like a big deal. Perhaps, he thought optimistically, Rinoa didn't think there was anything strange going on and that to bring up the topic would only upset her; insinuating that she was as green as a ticked-off Caterchipiller.

And for some reason, blurting out something along the lines of, _"Honey, I'm not sleeping with my sister," _probably wouldn't be taken well with anyone, let alone the young woman. No, he finally concluded, best not to talk about it. It was cowardly, yes. But it would save the awkwardness, he rationalised. Confrontation was never his initiative. That was just how he was.

Breakfast was quiet as the gang sat in the cafeteria. It was clear that there was some tension in the air between the star couple. Squall ignored the oddity and when he was finally locked inside his office, he decided that since Rinoa didn't say a word to him, everything was perfectly fine; as if to soothe the dissonance he felt.

Little did he know that his judgements were hindering his relationship; or perhaps, he didn't want to believe there was any causal effect in his actions?

* * *

"Rin, is everything okay?" Quistis asked with concern during their lunch break. They were sitting in the cafeteria again in a corner, just the two of them. The instructor's maturity and insight made it possible for her to observe the slightest change in people's moods and emotions. And she had noticed it this morning at breakfast; the way the pair refused to look each other in the eye, and the sullen faces. 

She paused shortly and then nodded in reply, "Yeah, everything is fine... but..."

The blonde knew the 'but' was an underlying request to elaborate on the subject, "But...?" she encouraged.

Rinoa didn't want to tell her the Ellone incident although she could trust her friend with her own life, "It's just," she hesitated, "Squall, he's..."

"What is Squall doing?"

The brunette chuckled sheepishly, "More like, what isn't he doing."

Quistis listened to her friend's concerns, primarily the fact that she was worried that her boyfriend was starting to shut her out again. 'Sure', the sorceress had reasoned, 'Squall will always be _Squall_. But even if he's opened up this much in the past few months, there's still a gap between us and it will become larger if this issue worsens'.

"I'm worried about you and Squall too, Rin," she replied afterwards, "I think the Laguna subject is eating away at him but he won't let anyone in on his pain. Except perhaps Ellone..."

Rinoa was astonished the mature woman had managed to throw Sis into the conversation even though there had been no mention of her.

"But you know, and this is my own opinion," Quistis continued, "As much as it's good that Squall has someone to rely on, I think you deserve some attention as well. If you're his girlfriend, he should share this with you too. Do you ever listen carefully to what he says?"

The younger woman thought for a moment, slightly bewildered, "...I'd like to think that I do."

Quistis smiled at the confused answer, "Of course you do, Rin," she reassured, "But you know, I've noticed other times, there's something more. Sometimes what he's trying to tell you isn't only the thing coming out of his mouth. Do you get what I mean?"

"Yes, I think so" Rinoa recalled the night of their dinner, how she realised she had been overlooking his inner feelings, "Yes, it makes sense. Thanks for your advice, Quisty. I will do my best."

The blonde nodded and smiled again, "Glad I could help. I hope it works out," she glanced at her watch, "But anyway, I have to get going now. I have a class."

"That's okay. I was planning to head with Selphie to Trabia. I'll see you later, have fun!"


	10. Awkward

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, locations, etc. of Final Fantasy VIII; they belong only to their rightful owner, and it is not me.

Note: Hm, excuse my rather short chapters lately. This is a longer one; hope it is a bit more satisfying. Thank you all for your kind reviews and messages. I will definitely finish this story one day though, no matter what.

* * *

It wasn't until the early evening that Rinoa returned from her tiresome excursion to Trabia Garden. Selphie had outlined everything that would be happening in the next few weeks. What particularly sparked her interest was a festival the restored academy would be holding in the next month. The two young women squealed with excitement at the thought of it; exclaiming how such an event would be one of the first times the gang would be together after the sorceress defeat. Due to everybody's other commitments, times spent together were becoming seldom for the team.

Squall was commanding a Garden, Quistis and Zell were busy with classes, Selphie was frequently travelling between Balamb and Trabia, Irvine was usually accompanying her and Rinoa was around Garden helping out where she could. Everyone saw each other at breakfast if they were lucky.

Rinoa assumed that her boyfriend would be found in his office. However, when she knocked and found the door locked, she wondered where he could have gone. She took the elevator back down to first level and walked to the dormitory. He wasn't in his room either. But she decided to let herself in with his spare key and wait for him. Surely, he wouldn't be gone too long, she thought optimistically.

She didn't realise that she had fallen asleep when she woke up on Squall's bed, noticing that it was about 4AM in the morning. And he was still not back from wherever he was. Feeling slightly let down, she trudged back to her own room and collapsed on her bed, too tired to care anymore.

* * *

"Zell?" she asked the following morning during breakfast, "Have you seen Squall? I haven't been able to find him."

The martial artist paused momentarily, "Nah, I haven't; seems like he just kind of disappeared yesterday."

"Disappeared?" repeated Rinoa, sounding extremely worried.

"Yeah, Headmaster Cid was calling for him over the intercom. Then he called me to his office because Squall didn't come. Apparently, Squall had left Garden yesterday afternoon without official notice... you know, if anyone has to leave Garden during working hours, they have to let administration know. Especially Squall, he's the commander after all."

"That sounds like a very un-Squall thing to do," Rinoa mused softly.

The female blonde instructor cleared her throat before turning to the brunette, "I was trying to find him yesterday too. I also found it odd when he was nowhere to be found and when Cid said he had disappeared without a word."

"Now that you mention it, I ran into Puberty Boy before he left," Seifer finally spoke up, lifting his feet so that they rested on a nearby chair, "He looked like he was in a hurry."

"What happened?" asked the distressed girlfriend of the person they were speaking of. Everyone else also listened intently on the new information.

"Said he had Garden business to do or some crap like that," the gunblade wielder recalled.

Quistis shifted uncomfortably in her chair and folded her arms, "Does that mean Squall was lying about where he was going and used Garden as an excuse to cover up whatever he was doing."

Seifer narrowed his eyes, "Then it makes sense why Ellone was with him."

"Ellone?" everyone repeated.

Rinoa suddenly felt very confused. What was going on?

* * *

Squall arrived back at Garden late that evening and found his girlfriend sitting in his room. He could see the worry in her eyes and even slight fear. He knew he would have to answer all her questions but he was feeling really exhausted. Casually, he gave her a wave and headed towards the bathroom to take a shower.

"Squall..." her voice was low.

"...Yes?"

She stood and crossed the room to stand behind him, "You know what I want to ask."

Slowly, he turned and gazed at her, seeing the resolve in her eyes, "Sorry for not being around these last two days, I've been away on Garden business. It's confidential stuff; you know I can't share it with you."

Rinoa Heartilly could not believe what she was hearing. He was lying right in front of her face and he didn't even seem fazed by it either. Unconsciously, she clenched her fists and stepped slightly away from him, "There was no official record of you applying to leave Garden during working hours."

His eyes widened, knowing he had been caught. Yet he still continued the charade, "It was personal business. I went by myself."

It was her turn to widen her eyes. Something was definitely going on, "Seifer saw you leaving with Ellone."

It was obvious that his jaw clenched at being exposed, "Well, he's a liar."

"What's wrong with you, Squall? You're the one that's doing all the lying!" she could not contain her anger anymore, "Why can't you just tell me the damn truth? Don't you trust me?"

He became angry as well. Firstly, because his secret had been revealed. Secondly, because he was being yelled at by the one person he thought would understand him, "Why are you getting so worked up?" he raised his voice slightly.

"I thought you were above all that. I can't believe you, trying to lie right to my face. Of course, I'd be worked up."

The commander went quiet for a moment, glowering at her, his mouth drawn into a thin line. Finally after an eternity, he spoke softly, "What do you want?" Looking anywhere but at her.

It hurt the way he was dismissing her; as if the feelings that had share for each other in the past months meant nothing to him. She sighed in defeat, "I just want to know where you went..." she said in a small voice. Slowly, she walked towards the door until she faced it, "But, if you don't want to say, that's fine."

"Rinoa, wait," he clutched her shoulder, "I... I went to Winhill to see Raine's grave..."

"See," she replied, tears beginning to choke her voice, "That wasn't so hard, was it?" And with that final question, she removed his hand from her shoulder and walked out the door, shutting it behind her. It wasn't a loud angry bang. Her unhappiness could be heard from the soft click that the door made when it closed.

Squall continued to watch the door long after the departure of the young sorceress. He didn't know exactly what he was feeling. It felt like emptiness; the feeling that he wasn't feeling at all.

* * *

Days passed and the two did not come into contact with each other. Squall buried himself in his work in an effort to not have to think of a certain dark-haired beauty of a sorceress. It wasn't that he was angry at her. He knew she had been right when he had lied to her about his whereabouts. The only thing that plagued him know was not knowing what he should do; whether he should approach her or wait for her to see him. Both options did not seem desirable anyway because he wouldn't know what to say when he saw her.

On the fourth day, after what seemed like an eternity, he couldn't take it anymore. The slightest things would trigger a sudden memory of her. Even his work desk kept stirring up images of her sitting on it while she had waited for him to finish for the evening. His own bed reminded him of when she would be cuddled up in his arms. He thought he was definitely going insane when he would spontaneously be able to smell her scent as if she was right beside him. The scent was indescribable. It was simple _Rinoa_.

The great Commander Squall Leonhart had been brought down by a hallucination.

He didn't bother attempting to sit at his desk and pretend to work on his papers after hours. He just wanted to see her. Feel her petite figure enveloped in his arms and lose himself in the moment where nothing else but her mattered. He didn't want to see her hurting because of him anymore.

Unfortunately, she was not in her room. A fact he discovered when he had knocked loudly on her door. He sighed, thinking what an anti-climax it had been. After all, he had built up the courage to find her and then he was rewarded with nothing. Tiredly, he ran his fingers through his unkempt hair and sat on the cold ground with his back leaning on the wall. He hoped that she would be back soon. Or else he would be burdened with another sleepless night.

Students at the academy peered curiously at the lone commander sitting by the door as they retired for the evening. But they said nothing; knowing better to just leave him be and mind their own business.

Squall wasn't sure how many hours passed while he sat there. It felt like he had been drifting in and out of unsettled slumber. And every time he dozed off, he could feel her arms around him. But when he reached to grab hold of her, she disappeared. However this time, when he pried his eyes open, it was already dark and the night insects were already busy buzzing away as they did every night. He heard footsteps. And they sounded very familiar. Immediately lifting his head, he saw his girlfriend approaching him.

She looked like her usual self but he observed closer and saw her eyes lacked their usual happy shine. He wondered if she had the same trouble trying to sleep as he had. Rinoa stopped in front of him, and gazed down at him with surprised eyes. Obviously, this was something that she had not been expecting.

"Rin..." he whispered breathlessly, his voice piercing her heart.

"Oh Hyne, Squall!" she suddenly yelped, reaching down to help him up, "How long have you been out here? The weather's starting to get cold, you know? It's easy to get sick sitting out here without enough layers to keep you warm". She was genuinely worried about his wellbeing. When he was finally on his feet, she quickly tested his temperature with the back of her hand and inspected him critically.

Then she realised that she had not been planning to play the _nurse_ when she saw him again. She had wanted to put on a mask of indifference and wait for him to show concern first. She inwardly reprimanded herself for letting that mask slip at the sight of her boyfriend waiting for her out in the cold. It wasn't that cold yet, she scoffed.

On the other hand, Squall felt his mood lighten at bit more at the sight of his girlfriend expressing concern for him. When he felt her hand draw away from his forehead, he immediately grabbed it and held it tightly with both hands, "Rinoa..."

She felt her breath being taken away at the simple contact of his hands and her heart instantly began to beat quickly. He was looking at her intently and she could feel the suffering he had endured in the past few days. Whether it was because of the sorceress-knight connection or it was because she had been feeling the same way too, she did not know. But she felt tears forming in her eyes as she felt her facade crumble and shatter to countless pieces. The argument, she felt, wasn't worth the pain of being apart.

"Squall!" she cried, practically diving into the warmth and comfort of his body. She wrapped her arms around his neck and sobbed uncontrollably. "I'm sorry..." her words trembled along with her body.

"Shh..." he hushed her, holding her just as tightly and running his fingers gently through her long hair, "Don't apologise."

In reply, she shook her head furiously and gave a soft squeak of disapproval. Knowing it was probably better not to have a reunion in the hallway within earshot of the rest of the Garden, she blindly reached into her bag to retrieve her key. She managed to compose herself enough to open the door without too much trouble.

They entered, barely leaving each other's contact. Squall led her slowly towards her bed and they sat down facing each other. Rinoa still had tears running down her cheeks but had calmed down enough to be able to speak. No matter how many times she cries, it never became easier for him to watch. He drew her close again so that she rested against his shoulder.

He spoke softly, "I'm sorry," he began before she could interrupt, "Please forgive me. It's my fault."

The young woman lifted her head and frowned, "It's not all your fault..."

"If I had just told you the truth from the beginning, then you wouldn't be crying, would you?" he replied.

She paused, looking down at her lap, "I should be more understanding."

"No..." he said. It was apparent that he was having trouble letting all his feelings out, "I shouldn't deceive you. I..." he trailed off.

Her eyes examined his sombre expression and she waited for him to finish his sentence.

"I..." he tried again, "I don't want to hurt the one I love." He closed his eyes, hoping she would be able to understand what he meant and not reject him. When he opened his eyes, he saw more tears falling from her eyes. But this time, he saw the way her lips curved upwards into a smile. He felt that he had finally done something right.

"Oh, Squall," she whispered, falling into his arms once more, "I love you."

Time passed and the couple did nothing but hold each other; basking in each other's warmth and security. Finally, Squall was the first to speak. He cleared his throat, "Spend tonight with me?"

She tensed in response and he panicked for a second. The silence that passed was terribly slow before she answered, "What about Garden regulations?"

"Screw regulations," he grumbled and Rinoa was shocked and amused at hearing her boyfriend curse, "I... don't want to be apart from you anymore."

And it was arranged. Once she was done preparing and cleaning herself, she would meet him in his room. And they would spend their first night together.

* * *

Rinoa took a moderately long shower as she reassessed the events of the past half hour. The first minute she had been angry. The next: concerned, upset, apologetic and above all, astonished at her boyfriend's forwardness. Now she was getting ready to sleep over in his room for the night. His last words to her almost sounded possessive. But it was cautious at the same time. He wasn't perfect at expressing himself after all.

She turned the water off and stepped out of the shower, hastily grabbing for the towel hanging off the rack. The weather had definitely turned colder in the past week or so. Winter was definitely coming. It felt as if Balamb Garden had decided to locate beside its Trabian counterpart. She dried and dressed herself in normal casual clothes. Then she packed her things into an overnight bag and made sure Angelo's water bowl was full before leaving to Squall's room.

Although she knew she had the key to his room, it was out of nervousness that she knocked lightly on his door. This wasn't an everyday occurrence so it seemed extra special. And, she had to admit, she felt a bit anxious. She honestly didn't know what was going to happen tonight. Everything had just been a rollercoaster and at the end of it was a dark abyss of uncertainty.

Squall opened the door and let her in. He had discarded his day attire and settled for a plain t-shirt and his pyjama pants. His hair was damp, suggesting that he too had had a shower. He gave her a small smile and offered to lift her bags elsewhere. His eyes darted about the room and occasionally settled on her. At first glance, he felt a little disheartened. Her clothes didn't make it seem like she was going to spend the whole night here. But he silently hoped that she had brought extra clothes in that bag of hers.

"Squall," she said softly, "Do you mind if I get changed? I just didn't want to make it look too weird in case I ran into anyone in the hallway."

He cleared his throat and released the breath he had unconsciously been holding, "Yeah, sure."

"Thanks," she said awkwardly, unzipping her bag to retrieve her clothes. She disappeared into the bathroom and closed the door.

The commander sat on his bed and sighed. There was obviously a lot of tension in the air. This was their first night together in his room after officially becoming a couple. He ran his fingers through his hair and vowed to make sure she would be comfortable tonight. The sound of the bathroom door swinging open roused him from his thoughts. His head lifted in her direction and his eyes widened.

She was wearing a pair of dark silk pyjamas that wasn't anything too revealing. It was pretty innocent actually. But for some reason, Squall felt his heart beat a little bit faster and his breathing rate increase. He watched as she placed her worn clothes into her bag and caught sight of a piece of lace wrapped within her shirt. Even if he hadn't had heaps of experience with women, he knew for a fact what that object was (thanks to some very descriptive explanations by Irvine). And he was aware that his girlfriend was lacking that one garment. It made him happy. He was glad that she felt comfortable around his presence, even if she didn't say it aloud.

Rinoa sat down next to him and gave that same timid smile from when she asked if she could change clothes, "Sorry, did I make you wait long?"

"No," he replied, astounded that he had trouble articulating his words, "Not at all."

"Squall, are you all right?" she asked in alarm, immediately drawing closer to him, "You're sick, aren't you? After being in the cold..."

He leaned back slightly, "No!" he exclaimed. Then he figured how rude that must have sounded, "It's just..."

"...Kind of awkward that I'm here?" she finished his sentence for him, reading his exact thoughts.

His shoulders slumped, "Sorry."

She giggled softly, music to his ears, "It's fine. I feel like that too," she confessed sheepishly, "But, I feel really happy being here."

"Why's that?"

"Because you're here," she grinned, "I always want to spend more time with you. But sometimes you're really busy. And I don't want to bother you too much. You've got a lot of things on your mind."

Squall smiled at her and wrapped his arms around her. He pulled her closer and rested against her hair. She smelt like a very fruity and floral shampoo and he concluded that he could definitely get used to this. Quickly taking a glimpse towards his wall clock, he reached to his bedside table and turned on a night-lamp. He missed her warmth when he turned out the main room lights, but he quickly returned to her side. In the dim light, she looked so much more angelic; especially with her shy countenance.

He couldn't help but kiss her. It felt like the right thing to do and he had wanted to do it since he had seen her outside her room. She didn't know it but she had been seducing him silently since she had changed her clothes. Carefully, he ran his hands down her back and felt her back arch as her arms pulled him closer. The silk she wore felt so thin that he thought that he was touching her skin.

They drew apart briefly to catch breath. Her cheeks were flushed, her lips a swollen red and her eyes lidded. She was a temptress in his eyes; and she definitely didn't even know it. Their eyes met but he was the first to look away. Any longer and he didn't know what would happen.

"Squall?" she was worried that he was rejecting her.

He hesitated, "I'm sorry, Rin. I don't know if I can control myself."

Her eyes were full of question at first but then realisation dawned upon her expression. She blushed and finally answered, "It's okay," she began slowly, "You don't have to control yourself. I trust you."

His eyes widened and he glanced at her as if she had just lost her mind. But no, she was definitely sane. He swallowed hard, "If you want me to stop, you'll tell me, right?"

She smiled at his gentlemanly composure and nodded her head, "I will."

He inhaled slowly and nodded as well. Gently, he lifted her chin and met her lips with his own once more. His fingers brushed against her warm cheeks and down the side of her neck. She shivered in response and clutched the front of his shirt; wanting to pull him closer and also as if he was her lifesaver and she had to hold onto him for dear life should anything go wrong. Carefully his tongue parted her lips and he ran it teasingly against hers. She gasped at the contact and wanted to feel more of the touch, yet he had already retreated. And he did it again, tempting her and pulling away when she thought she was going to get more.

Finally, she was starting to get a bit frustrated at this little game Squall was playing. She whimpered softly, signalling that she wasn't satisfied. Her whimper was cut short when he finally invaded her mouth and earned himself a quiet moan from the woman. The passion gradually intensified and her hands no longer gripped his shirt. They travelled down his back and slipped under his shirt to caress his skin.

He jumped at the contact and placed tender kisses down her neck, noting a particular area that made her breath hitch. He made sure that he paid special attention to that spot because it was making her squirm in his lap, where she didn't know how she had gotten there in the first place. Swiftly, he lifted her so that her head rested on the pillow and he was over her, yet careful not to crush her too much. He continued his assault on her lips and ran his hands down the sides of her body. She gasped again at his pleasurable touch and proceeded to run her fingers through his hair.

"Squall..." she exclaimed breathlessly, upon feeling his lips brush against her collarbone.

He lifted his head, "Rinoa," he replied in a deep husky voice, "...You're beautiful."

When she heard him use her name in that voice, she felt tingles throughout her body. Such a simple utterance caused her imagination to run a bit wild. And it made her so happy that he was showing just how much he wanted her.

"Do something for me, Squall?" she requested, although it was hard forming words as he was still distracting her with his kisses.

"Yes?" he asked.

"Turn the light off for me?" It was meant to be a statement but her nervousness was getting the better of her.

His eyes flashed with intense curiosity but he turned the lamp off anyway so that the room was shrouded in darkness, except for the faint light of the moon behind the clouds outside the window. For a moment, nothing happened. Squall was wondering if she had decided to escape in the dark while the lights were out. However, he could still feel the warmth beneath him that proved his prediction wrong.

Then he felt her hands reach for his. Her hands were shaking and he was beginning to worry, "Rin?" he whispered.

She held his left hand and drew it towards her. She made sure his palm was open and placed it upon her right breast, still covered by her pyjamas. When Squall realised her intention, he froze and tried to say something; anything. "Are you sure?" was all he could come up with. He wanted her, definitely yes. But he was concerned whether she was doing this because she wanted to or if she felt obligated to do so.

"Yes," she answered innocently, "I just... wanted to know what it feels like."

The situation probably would have appeared comical had the lights stayed on. Neither knew that the other was blushing and their voices masked their surprise. Squall's hand remained still, "And, how does it feel?" he asked uncertainly.

She smiled shyly, "It's warm" she giggled, "And nice. How about you?"

He smiled in return, unsure of what to reply to such a question. After all, he was on top of his girlfriend with a hand on her breast. He supposed that any man would feel pretty happy if they were in his situation; unless of course, such a touch was undesired. "I guess it feels pretty good," he replied.

"You guess?"

"Well," he paused, "It's soft?"

She burst into giggles and playfully hit the arm that was touching her, "Is that all you're going to say?"

"Well... I can't compare. I've never done this kind of thing before." And then he added cheekily, "Maybe if I have more practice with yours, I'll be able to say more."

"Oh my Hyne, Squall!" she cried, "Was that a dirty joke? You've been hanging around the guys too much, haven't you?"

He chuckled and opted to give her a tight hug. All the tension had disappeared and he genuinely felt happiness about being on speaking terms with the woman he loved. "I missed you, Rinoa."

"I missed you too."

The night was getting late and they soon fell asleep in each other's arms, feeling like they had gotten much closer than ever before. They didn't feel the need to go any further from what Rinoa had requested him to do earlier. Both were satisfied that the other was comfortable in their presence; and it was a wonderful sensation in and of itself.

* * *


End file.
